The Latest In Restaurant Food

I was reading a news article yesterday about the worst new foods to hit American restaurant menus. Occasionally a restaurant will publicize a new "healthful" menu chock full of lowfat and fiber rich foods. In our country, this is a sign that you need to sell any stock you might own in that company quickly. In a country with an obesity rate of around 30% and climbing, no restaurant featuring good-for-you foods is going to make a profit. So, wipe that grease off your fingers and call your broker to sell that stock.

Even though I realize we have a lock on this unhealthy lifestyle around the globe and must do whatever it takes to remain fat and unfit (unless it requires effort), I was still slightly taken aback at some of these new menu items. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm still reeling from the whole KFC fried chicken and bacon sandwich featuring fried chicken as the "bun" so maybe I'm too inexperienced for these new foods.

Leading the way was the Denny's Fried Cheese Melt which apparently consists of buttered bread surrounding some form of "cheese" that is grilled and melted. But wait. Inside this sandwich are four deep fried cheese sticks. Yes, it is an appetizer and entree actually melted and melded into one. Those Denny folks. They seem to always be at the cutting edge of cuisine.Grilled cheese seems to be a theme with the new foods these days. Not ones to just sit back and let Denny's get the upper hand, Friendly's has a new sandwich to offer as well. They take two grilled cheese sandwiches and then place a hamburger and fixins in between them. Yes, that's four slices of buttered bread with various forms of "cheese" between them with a big ole hunk of ground beef separating them. Or holding them together.
But it's not just sandwiches. Pizzaria Unos is now offering a Lobster BLT pizza. Oh, the confusion. I thought BLTs were something folks ordered at the local diner counter and lobster was some uppity food that was served in high class restaurants. This is taking fusion cuisine to a whole new level. If you take lobster and cover it with marinara sauce and bacon, is it still even lobster? I have a feeling it becomes that fake seafood stuff you see on the grocery shelf at that point. Maybe that is how they make fake seafood anyway.

Perusing these new foods has given me more than heartburn and a desire to exercise more and get my cholesterol checked. It's also given me the idea that maybe I need to open a restaurant. I am realizing that my family has given me years of hands-on experience with meeting the food needs of today.

Taking a cue from my youngest sons, I will feature of meal of cut up, breaded and deep fried chicken. I will fry all the pieces individually then put them together into a patty along with fried potatoes. If I have any trouble getting them to stick together at all, I'm going to wrap them with some bacon. After I bread and fry that again, I think I'll wrap some string cheese around them and bread and fry them again. Then, since fried ice cream is so fun and of course kids love ice cream, I'm going to go ahead and wrap that around the whole thing and zap it back into the deep fryer. That way, you've got a meal and dessert in one. I figure I'll nestle it all in a chocolate lined waffle cone for ease of eating and transportation since this will mostly be consumed in the back seat of minivans.

I should include a kid's toy as part of the meal. Do they make those artery cleaning tools in small sizes?

This Would More Than Try My Patience

I have a lot of faults. Ranking way up there on the top of the list is the fact that I am not always the most patient of people. No, I'm usually one of the least patient of people.Which is why lately I have been very grateful to not live in China. Did you hear about the traffic jam in China last week that extended 62 miles and lasted 9 days? Now that is some test of patience. Apparently street vendors were quadrupling their prices. No word on whether small arms dealers were going car to car peddling their wares but my guess would be that they could have made a tidy profit.

I can't even imagine. I have been in short (less than 2 hour) standstills on the great interstates of our country and I can tell you that duration has almost driven me to the point of mass violence. I'm not sure who I wanted to be violent against but it just seemed to be a good idea.
Once, after sitting dead still for only 45 minutes, I drove down the shoulder and then up an entrance ramp onto the interstate the wrong way. This got me onto a different road so that I could drive back the way I came. I happened to be on my way to pick up a son but that didn't deter me from driving right back home.
How many cars do you think can be stuck on a road for 62 miles? The photo I saw showed at least four lanes. Bumper to bumper. That's a lot of cars. A lot of people. 9 days.

I get nervous just thinking about it.

And never mind the car to car arms sellers or the food vendors. Someone should have been pushing some porta-potties down the side of the road. Having that need met would have taken a small edge off of my violent tendencies.But not much.

Mmm, Tastes Like Butter

Recently I hauled my middle-aged, only slightly broken down body into my doctor's office for my annual check-up. And no, this isn't about that part of the exam. I think we all know that part is never any fun, except for the daydreams I have during it about what types of examinations I think men should have. I won't get into the details right now but I'll just say they might involve those hard, prickly seed pods from sweet gum trees, jalapenos, and some industrial clamps. I'll let you use your imagination on those.Back to my exam. It all went well except for the annual sweating through of the paper gown saga. Middle aged naked women and paper clothing. Another brilliant idea.
After my exam, my doctor wanted to me to have some blood drawn in the lab to check a few levels. No big deal. Labs don't bother me a bit and I get to be fully clothed. In cotton. Doesn't get any better than that.

Except that day the lab was busy. Very busy. And I sat in the waiting room for an hour. From noon until 1:00. With The Food Network on.

Oh, that Paula Deen. I swear that woman must be related to me. I just love the way she sticks her fingers in her food, stuffs her mouth full of whatever buttery deep-fried concoction she has cooked and then sighs and groans and talks about how good it is with her mouth completely full. Except for whatever dribbles out the corners. That day she was deep frying some shrimp for a po'boy and making lobster rolls and slaw.I stood on the chair in the corner of the waiting room and licked the TV but do you know, that TV didn't taste like butter at all. Such a disappointment.After 30 minutes of drooling all over myself, and being extra glad I was no longer in a paper gown, I lost Paula (note to self: invite Paula over for lunch. She can do the cooking.) and got Giada. I'm not generally a big fan of Giada mostly because those Target commercials she does freak me out with her fake smile lasting during the whole thing. The only reason anyone could have to smile like that is if Paula is stuffing something fried down your throat. But even though I don't particularly care for her, since it was 12:30 and I had just finished 30 minutes of Paula, I somehow found everything she made to be irresistible. Even the pesto chicken salad sandwiches - and I don't even eat chicken. I think I would have taken a bite out of one that day if it had walked through that waiting room.

When they finally called be back at 1:00 to take my blood, I thrust my arm out at them immediately, urged that to take the blood fast and take all they wanted so I wouldn't have to come back.

I then left with an urgency to eat that I haven't felt in a long time.

The Food Network really should send some of those traveling food trucks to park outside waiting rooms. I would have bought anything they were selling that day.Especially if they were putting a little of Paula's butter in it.

Maybe This Is Why Kids Like To Move Back To College Without Their Parents

Aside from the occasional fun when I do something completely ridiculous just to see my kids' expressions, I honestly try to not embarrass them as their mother. Some things are out of my control such as fashion changing overnight and me not getting the memo that wearing a shirt tucked in with a belt is a major faux pas. But generally, I want my kids to enjoy having me around them so embarrassment is not a goal.It is, however, an unintended consequence of being me. I sometimes think of myself as that happy-go-lucky dog that is just so darn excited to see you that he bounds over, turning over the food bowl, stepping through the water dish, and knocking over several potted plants in the process of getting to you to give you a big, wet lick. Mind you, I rarely lick people. The rest of it sounds very similar to me.Saturday as we made our way to take our son to college, I found myself driving alone the second half of the trip while my husband enjoyed some quality man-to-man time riding with my son. Wisely, I decided to stop at the McDonald's closest to the college to freshen up before arriving. Nothing like pulling up along with a few other thousand college kids and parents to carry in a zillion pounds of boxes and belongings only to find that the first thing you need to do is find the women's bathroom. In the men's dorm. I speak from experience here. Perhaps that was the scenario last fall. I was determined to take care of all those needs prior to driving through those college gates.

Taking a child, even a grown child, to college is somewhat stressful. I hate the long periods of time away from them. I long to be part of their lives. I grieve over not being around to micro-manage every small detail. They may be grown but some of them are still frighteningly immature. It was with these thoughts swirling through my head that I strolled into McDonald's.

And proceeded to open the men's restroom door.Because I'm just suave like that. Fortunately, I caught myself before I went in and tried those newfangled gizmos hanging on the wall. I quickly bolted into the women's room and had a good chuckle on myself. I was happy my son hadn't been there to witness my stupidity. I was still smiling about my near-miss as I went to lather my hands with that wonderful foam soap so many places have these days. I like it. A lot. I like to use a lot of it.And I somehow deposited a large handful of that foam soap directly on my right breast. One mile from the college. As my son and husband waited on me.

Well now, nothing says pride in your mother more than having her show up on campus with a large wet stain all over her right breast. I'm thinking calling that much attention to your anatomy on a college campus may be what gave cougars their name in the first place.
I did what any woman would do in the situation. I proceeded to wash out that side of my shirt with a paper towel and water at the sink. Then, I knelt on the floor, held my shirt out away from my body, and blew it dry with the hand dryer.

I then went out to my car and called my daughter who I knew would laugh herself silly at her mother's antics. She did.

And when I pulled up to the dorm and started carrying in all those boxes, no one was any the wiser.

Now Here's a Change

Starting today, I have a full-time part-time job.
You didn't expect me to have something normal, did you?
The school where I sub has a need for a full-time employee for 9 weeks and they have asked me to step in. Every day. 7:40 until 2:40.

How do you working people do it?
I have not worked daily in 20 years. Yes, 20 years. This is going to severely cut into my computer life. Not to mention the fact that I had no idea Kroger and Target were even open after 3:00 p.m. Who knew?Couple this with the fact that when my kids are on break, I am on break. Which means that no work has been done around my house since the second week of May. Nada. Zilch. You could write your name in the dust under my sofas. I'm not sure what is growing in the back of the refrigerator but it growled at me when I tried to throw it away yesterday so I'm leaving it there.I haven't had to be dressed well enough to be seen in public five days in a row in a very long time. I'm not even sure I have that many clothes. I may have to wear some inside out on alternating days.I'm nervous. Not about doing a good job. I'm cocky enough to think that won't be a problem. I'm nervous about not getting to take an afternoon nap. I'm worried that my family is going to want to eat dinner every night. I'm concerned that bills are going to need to be paid.

I can't wait to retire in 9 weeks.

One Year Later, More Familiar, No Easier

This weekend we move both kids back to their respective colleges. We will go with our son tomorrow and our daughter on Sunday.
Somehow, I thought this year would be easier. At least I'm getting more comfortable with being wrong when I think that sort of thing. This year isn't any easier. It's just more familiar.

I've had that same queasy feeling in my stomach all week. That same welling up just thinking about them not being here. Those same thoughts of "this time next week they'll be gone" or "we won't be doing this together for awhile".Honestly, it's almost worse this year because the newness has worn off. They are both excited to go back although they are also both kind and loving enough to not be dancing around the house counting down the days. And truthfully I can tell they are somewhat sad to be leaving as well. They are happy here and happy there but here and there aren't in the same place. Too bad.

My poor 16 year old son is ready to start looking at colleges. I'm not. I just want to tell him that we already have two people moving in and out of our lives on a frequent basis causing wave after wave of change. Two should be enough. I need the other four of us to just stay put long enough for my life to settle back down again.And the 13 year old? We've already told him he can't go to college. He is to be our pet for life. We will just feed him and pet him and love him and he'll never leave us.

He isn't buying it. I suppose I'm doomed to keep up this letting go business until I finally get the knack of it.Or at least learn to fake it better.

These Kids Today

It's that time of year again. Time for Beloit College to come out with their "Mindset List". A list created to help educators realize the culture in which the students setting foot on college campuses for the first time this fall have been raised. Ideally, it will help the faculty connect with the students, use appropriate references and examples, and understand their students.
In reality, it always serves to help me see how ancient I really am.Let's look at this year's list for the Class of 2014.Very few of them know how to write in cursive. Those lucky brats. I remember not only hours of practice on those large writing sheets trying to get my letters to curve just so but also those "B's" on my report card in "handwriting" - the only "B's" to blight my otherwise stellar elementary performance. My kids would freak out at the thought of getting a grade in handwriting. And yes, I did see cursive go by the wayside within my own family. The oldest two were taught cursive, the middle one got minimal instruction, and my 13 year old has never been taught cursive in school.Most of them don't use email because it is too slow. Seriously? Seems fairly instantaneous to me. Oh, I know IM and texting are faster but where is the paper trail to remind you what you need to do? I guess they are too young to be forgetful.They've never seen a slide carousel. I guess they've never suffered through film strips in class either - but now I'm really dating myself. They have always known digital. DVDs. Not even VCRs. My husband and I love to tell our kids about our first VCR player that was the size of a modern day microwave. We were cutting edge.They don't wear watches and don't even know that pointing to your wrist is a way to ask what time it is. This one is so funny to me. I guess I really am old in that I can't imagine giving up my watch. Yes, I know the time is right there on my cell phone. However, unlike teens I don't carry my phone in my hand 24/7. But I do always have my wrist with me. Which makes me think that telling time will be a skill they won't teach much longer. Or do they even still teach it on an analog clock?
Russians and Americans have always been allies and even work together on the space station. This is by far an improvement over the bomb shelters of my youth.They've always had hundreds of cable channels. Remind me to tell my kids I grew up on the big three networks plus a very fuzzy PBS station that occasionally came in if I hung aluminum foil on the end of the TV antennae.Remind me to tell my kids about TV antennas.