Oh, I'm Debbie and all you've read on here is really me (well, mostly). But there is another side to me. A shadier side. A fake side.
I have an alias. Oh yes I do. And I use it with glee. And because I love you all, I'm going to introduce you to the other me. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Veronica Sharp. The other me.
Veronica was created several years ago when grocery stores first came up with those annoying loyalty cards that you had to fill out to get 7 cents off a can of tomato soup. Well, I'm cheap. I wanted my seven cents. Truth be told, I wanted your seven cents too but I couldn't figure out how to get that. But, I could get mine. However, I didn't trust those stores. Why did they need all of that personal information on me just to give me my 7 cents? Seemed suspicious to me. (And I have a few conspiracy theories we may discuss later.) So, I decided to create Veronica.
The great thing about an alias is that she can be anything and anyone I want her to be. Veronica sounded somewhat sexy and dangerous to me. Sneaky. Cunning. Everything I already am. Easy for me to remember.
And Sharp. Well. I imagine you see all the references there.
She even has a phone number, birthday and address that I know by heart. Mostly, she was my card registration alias.
Then, along came a little thing called the internet. And have you ever seen so many sites that want all the information you have ever known about yourself spread out all over them? Again, I found myself feeling a wee bit uncomfortable with some of them. You know the ones. So, Veronica decided to try her luck online.
And, her ship has come in. Veronica, through the joys of an email account I set up just for sites that I thought might lead to spam, is the recipient of more communication than most small companies.
Veronica doesn't just get regular old mail. Oh no. Here's the subject of one she received this week: Spread the News, Veronica, 218 People Joined Your SuccessLine!I feel I can speak for Veronica and let you know she is thrilled. She didn't even know she had a success line. But wait, it gets even better. Veronica - We Have Cash For You! Deborah Just Upgraded!
Now before you get all skeptical on me, I know this is a legitimate business offering. Look what Larry sent next:
Hey Veronica, Just checking in, I haven't heard from you? Is everything ok, cause your business is really growing.
That's my gal Veronica. Only she can grow a business like that. And look at Larry. That guy is truly concerned about her. So concerned that he gets his punctuation confused. Now that is genuine concern.
But the icing on the cake came last month. I'm afraid Veronica will get the big head after this one.
Hello Veronica, You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent your industry in the Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals, and for inclusion into the upcoming 2008-2009 "Honors Edition" of the registry. We are pleased to inform you that on March the 16th, your candidacy was approved. Your confirmation for inclusion will be effective within five business days, pending our receipt of the enclosed form. The Office of the Managing Director appoints individuals based on a candidate's current position, making use of information obtained from researched executive and professional listings. The director thinks you may make an interesting biographical subject, as individual achievement is what Who's Who is all about. Upon final confirmation you will be published alongside thousands of goal-oriented individuals in the Who's Who Registry. There is no cost to be included.
I'm starting to have a complex. Here is a woman I created who hasn't ever worked a day in her life or even attended school. And she is getting included in the Who's Who Registry? Plus, I think they should make her pay - she's getting all that money from her cash bonuses and her success line.
If you can create an alias, can you also do away with one? Because the girl is starting to get on my nerves with all of this success.
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128 comments:
Does Veronica get email about enlarging the size of her penis? I can forward some to you if you would like. Or losing 10 pounds with XYZ diet - just like Oprah!
I think I dated Veronica once. And didn't I see her on Jeopardy recently?
Oh, man - I'll make a confession, too - the first time I was asked to be in Who's Who among America's Teachers I was actually flattered. I'm older and wiser now, thank God, but at the time? It seemed like such an honor.
Veronica is cool - keep her around. You never know when you might need a fall guy...
Hey Deb, could you forward this for me. I hear you have an inside track to her : "Congrats, Veronica, on your recent "Sharp" successes ! You are one great gal !"
Oh, and Deb, so are you, hun, so are you. ;-)
That is hilarious!!
You are one sharp cookie, what an excellent idea.
That Veronica is one popular lady! lol
I used to use an alias when signing up for email updates from realtors. Our friend was our realtor but didn't want to offend him by getting my help on the side. My hubby would say Who's Bonnie Smith?? I wasn't as creative as you.
I confess I used my dog's name a few times, though I didn't go to the lengths of double identity Veronica. Still, Calli gets a lot of offers for balding remedies. Clearly, they aren't deploying targeted marketing here!
Oh, and Calli said to tell Veronica "hi" and congrats on making it to Who's Who!
Scary isn't it?
That is both brilliant and scary.
Is Veronica gonna get back to Larry about her cash bonus? I've never been asked to participate in a biological program, maybe I'm browsing the wrong sites.
I have one to her name is Jean Ashley. Not as cool as Veronica Sharp, but effective nonetheless.
Just don't declare her as a dependant on your tax form today.
Oh that is too funny, and so clever. I've never thought of doing that - I might have to copycat!~
You are so funny! I would be annoyed at her too. My mom always told me, "i brought you into this world, so I can take you out." I think that applies here too.
hehehe, i also have an "alias" but it's a 'he' and his name is Josh Tool and he too has an address, birthdate phone number and email. that is hysterical! and he gets GREAT emails! (and a lot of colleges are trying to recruit him!!)
Fabulous idea. I need to make up my own Veronica...Maybe I call her Sasha Hyde.
That was HILARIOUS! I too made an alias, but did so back in high school. Ruthie Q. has a better credit rating than I do!
(I sign her name whenever we go anywhere with a guest book ~ shhhh! that's a secret)
My brother's fake name is Harold Gnadsack. He even says it with a straight face, makes me crack up!
You are so smart! I never thought of doing this. That Veronica is quite a success - in more ways than one!
I get the feeling that you are inferring that Veronica is a fictional character, created for to assuage your own personal identity theft paranoia. But the last time I spoke with Veronica in our spin class right before we were going shopping at Saks before she signed that huge movie deal last month, she seemed to be doing just fine...
Sincerely yours,
VIF
(Veronica's Imaginary Friend...)
Blessings!
Debbie that is too funny! Now I want to create an alias! In fact,I used to play with the idea of creating an alias when I went on vacation. That way (or so my logic went) I could be and do whatever I wanted and no one would really know it was me. I was young. Nuff said!
I always knew you were smart, but now I realize you are a genius. And I'm a little scared of you.
I could use a Veronica. Does she drink Diet Coke because I'm sure we could both use one this morning after my flight home last night. If she was my clone, that is.
That's hilarious! When I was in college, my roommates and I all used the same fake name when we met someone who was creepy.
I got that same Who's Who thing and I was SO excited. Now I just feel like a fake person. (:
Does Veronica also receive millions of dollars from people who have passed away in other countries and don't have any family but their lawyer or cousin or nephew thinks she, a stranger, should get all the cash?
Wow, that was a big sentence.
BWAHAHAHAHA. You're brilliant!
When the internet was young, my friend and I wanted to have some fun in chat rooms, but didn't want to leak our personal information.
Enter Sam! She was hip, she was 17, she was a flirt...
...and she lasted all of three days before we grew bored with luring in silly 17 year old guys. (We were 13.) May she RIP.
Oh my goodness! Thanks for the laugh!!!
hahaha! That is TOO funny! Wow, I love the internet. hehe.
Oh you had me cracking up.
I should create an alias so she can get all my colon cleanse emails. I do feel special that there are people out there that are concerned about my colon health.
Heheheh! I LOVE it! And yeah, go ahead do away with her, seriously. She's letting her fame get WAY out of control... or wait! I know something better! Write a book about her! hehehe! Can you imagine the complications that could arise from an normal alias? Jenni
You had me there for a while. Clever girl, you are. Go ahead, keep this up. We may prefer Veronica to your other selves.
You and I are on a similiar blog-wavelength today...
I love that you've named your alter-ego. I'm afraid my alter-ego is a fussy Jewish lady who is not much more fun than I am.
I think Veronica should run for some political office!!!!
I think Veronica needs her own blog.
And my father-in-law has a similar theory about the grocery stores tracking his purchases. I think he's afraid for anyone to know how much alcohol he buys.
Veronica for state senate!
And here I thought I was tricky by giving my cell phone number instead of my home number. That is NOTHING compared to Veronica!
Love this....man we all should come up with a super cool alias...I'm tired of all the junk....great idea...and thanks so much for coming by my place....Love your's
This is why you are you and I am me. I was smart enough to create a spam email (hell0, 1-800-Flowers? Stop with the dang emails already!), but not a whole alter ego.
I always learn so much here.
I thought about that at the grocery store. Why do they want to know what I buy??
My alias was always Stacey.
I'm liking the whole alias thing! Maybe I should start my new pirate character as an alias!
Arrrrgh, your blog has been pirated by Mom at "Life...EXAGGERATED!" Stop by and see why!
Off topic, but how much do you love Jennifer Garner? I wish she were my alter ego. Except she's married to tool Ben Affleck.
Only you could come up with something so smart and funny!
I love it!
What a fab idea! Something I am wishing I had thought of!! I think we all need an alias!
If only we could all be that successful with out an education...or a true existence. Hmmm....
You are too clever!
Girl you had me rollling! This is too funny. Just recently I made up a name like Betty Goodweather for an email account. I thought my community paper chose a stupid story to win the Lover's Package for Valentine's Day and I just wanted to let them know. I mean Betty just wanted to let them know! Have a good one, girl. You are amazing.
She could be your fall guy for anything that happens and you need someone to blame.
Too bad you can't use her name on speeding tickets and stuff.
I thought about doing something like this for my emails but then I would have to remember another email address. I have a hard enough time remembering the one I have, let alone another one.
Oooh...and I bet she has lots of long lost relatives in Nigeria and has won every national/international lottery on earth. That's how she gets all her moolah.
I wonder if Veronica is registered to vote? Maybe you could get her to go to jury duty for you?!?!
~Keri
LOL that is hilarious!
I can say i have done that before but that no that extent, but what a great idea!!!
Love Frugal Finds comment LOL. Veronica sounds like your all around kinda gal.
What a fantastic idea! Not the killing her off, but the creation.
I just emptied 2606 junk emails on my alias email account. There are some pretty creative ones out there!
p.s. Embrace the Twitter Debbie, Embrace it.
What a great idea, why didn't I ever think of doing that? Does Veronica get the Nigeria emails too? Maybe you could get a piece of that million that they are offering. lol.
Oh, I love the Veronica side of you! Sharp as a button, cute as a knife! Top of the Who's who chart...
You rock, Veronica!
I'm surprised the Nigerians haven't got to her!
I have three fake names I have cultivated over the years: Jack B. Nimble, Hugh Janus, and Chris Lawton. None of them have credit cards yet.
You know, I think I saw Veronica on VH1 and the Soup!
That is hilarious! Yes, I think you should dump her.
My husband uses an alias when we put our name in for a table. And it confused the heck out of me the first time we went out together.
That's actually a GREAT idea!!!
She sounds like kind of a butt kiss...but she's so useful!
i just hope veronica paid her taxes today.
What a great idea! I need an alias too. Maybe a name where you use your childhood pet and street name?
She sounds like a useful gal to have around.
I use my maiden name a lot. I have an email address that I use for blogging and uses my maiden name. No blog friend knows my current name because I'm paranoid.
I should have thought up an entirely new identity.
This is absolutely hilarious! Love it! You are so very witty! I think you might find some way to "do her in." Thanks so much for visiting me...and for your very kind comments! I truly appreciate you! ~Janine XO
Can you do away with one....ha ha ha ha ha!!! I'll agree with Tammy. Keep her around for the fall guy!
My online "other me" is 'Alan". you know, Lana/Alan. it sounds like Veronica and Alan are getting the same emails. But Alan isn't saving 7 cents on soup. Bad Alan.
you are a great writer...i love reading your posts! good luck with Veronica she sounds great!
Nice.
I have about 4 diff personas.
I'm off to find my stage name. You know the one you use your first pets name and the street you lived on as a child??
That was a brilliant idea. I wish you would have shared earlier before I bought all that stuff from the naughty online store and used my real name. I think I will call my new alias Roxanna Heart.
Oh! Veronica is smart and savy! You are lucky to know such a woman!
Wow, I thought this was an actual cartoon character at first, your name and avatar were THAT convincing.
I can't wait to hear what she does NEXT (will she be on FOX?)
..and I do want to hear the conspiracy theories.
You did it again...you made me chuckle on your post. Please share more of Veronica's escapades with us...she's leading an exciting life!!! :)
You better not mess with Veronica... she sounds like a superhero. She probably has Sunday brunch with Wonder Women and has had affairs with members of the Justice League!
Wow. Is it bad that fake Veronica has had more success than the real KathyB! ?!?
hilarious! behind every good woman is a... good woman? i wouldn't cut her loose until you're sure she's not eligible for any tax relief.
Perfect, hopefully Veronica's fortune and good luck can support you in the future!
Hee hee.....
This is actually a really good idea and one I will be using from today forward. I get so uncomfortable about the websites that want my birthday and address and whatnot (not the grocery stores so much, but I should be). From now on I am going to be an alias and I'm going to be 24 forever also. My alias's birthday will change by one year every year. I like it.
It is cool that you are well on your way to being able to disappear and start a new secret life. Well done.
So amusing!! Loved it!
That's weird, because I have always secretly thought of you as a "Veronica." As opposed to "Betty."
Uh oh...The Dark Half!
You know...I have a friend who turns into a 'Veronica' to have extramarital affairs.
::ahem::
As for your Veronica, I do believe we had college biology together. We got SO DRUNK one night and well...nothing happened. Really.
:)
XOXO
She's more successful than you? You need to kill her off!
I'll take her - I've been looking for an alias who is more successful than me. As you can imagine, such a person is incredibly difficult to find.
Maybe you could create a whole stable of 'aliases' and put them all to work for you.
Money's money, right?
Do you think Veronica would like to "do lunch" sometime. I would just love to bounce some business ideas around with her.
Could you email me her number?
Oh, and you can come too, of course!
Way to go, Ronnie!!!! (that's what I call her for short. . . )
I actually did the same thing. I didn't want them to know all about me at the grocery store. How ridiculous is that?! I can't even remember the name or address I gave when I signed up! I should be someone more memorable!
Just don't use her name for Publisher's Clearing House!
That Veronica Sharp ... she cut me off while driving the other day... driving her Maserati and wearing a solid gold pantsuit. What an overachieving Little Miss Prissy Pants. You created her ... now you must off her before she wins an Oscar!
That is the BEST idea, EVER!
Does Veronica need her own blog? Chronicling her adventures?
That is truly beautiful. I love it! I'm sorry that you're not as popular, though.
I have a pseudonym for writing and I don't want her to get a bunch of junk mail, so I don't use her for things like that, but because of Veronica's success, I think I'll make myself a nice little alias to deflect all the spam I've been getting. Thanks for the idea, Vonny!
Oh stop it! I LOVE this! Apparently, somewhere down the line, there is a bilingual woman who has my same name who receives solicitations for Latina magazines and phone calls to contribute to spanish-speaking causes. Would that I understood the callers....
Tell Ronnie her feisty Latina counterpart would love to exchange notes...and Viagra offers...
You mean your going to commit virtual murder?
i'm thinking i want an alias now!!! veronica sounds like she has a rockin' life!
Only you could create a popular alias. Mine would be as boring as I am but oh so much skinnier.
How mysteriously wonderful and weird.
heehee...and here I am just using a designated e-mail address! A friend's brother once signed up for a magazine as Jose Ole, and just sat back to watch how quickly Jose's pile of junk mail would grow. Quite astonishing!
I wonder if Veronica gets e-mails about enlarging penises? I get that one a lot and I want to reply and be like, "No thanks. Am girl."
I don't think I've ever created an alias. Maybe I will so my junk mail will go to that person. I get tired of deleting 30 messages a day.
i bet Veronica gets emails from a guy who is an attorney (barrister) from somewhere in great britain and he has an inheritance he cant collect, wants to deposit it to her account and split the inheritance with her!
I bet Veronica has an IQ of 3 gazillion and can cater a wedding with one hand whilst accepting an Academy award with the other.
She sounds awful.
Veronica, you sexy beast, i knew you were in there somewhere. :)) And I'm laughing at Frugal Finds, #1 comment ;)
How come Veronica gets into who's who and I get all the stupid 'Dear Friend' emails from people with names like Mr. Sammy Tamibobo??
I think you should have Veronica run for office. Sounds like she'd probably win!
I'd totally believe the number of books you have and that you even have bookshelves in your hallways. In our old house the hubby finally built bookshelves along one whole length of the basement to house my books and free space upstairs for..you know, living. LOL
It about killed me but we went through and gave away three times as many books as we brought with us. Houses are smaller here and basements are rare so we knew we had to be selective. We gave as many as we could to the local library for their annual fund raising book sale and I have a credit at the used book store in Jackson MI that I'll probably never be able to use up (at $1/book).
But I'm happy as a flea on a hound dog with what I do have :-)
My alias always seems to get all the good deals, too - I think Veronica was her mentor... ;)
Too funny! :)
Well, I suppose a well written obituary could help put an end to her career.
LOL!!! that's great...my luck...my alias would totally take over and drive me crazy and be way cooler than me...
My mother has a similar alter ego, Toniann Pumpkin. She gets all sort of fun stuff in the mail.
What a successful business Women Veronica is. I'd be so jealous. I bet your are. LOL! Thanks for this amazing post.. I really enjoyed it.
Amazing!
I have also done all those things---and gotten into the top businesses Who's Who---but it was as a man!
So, top that, Veronica!
I got the same Who's Who e-mail awhile back....you mean, that wasn't real? LOL!!
I never thought to come up with an alter ego...maybe I should so I can avoid those e-mails about enlarging the penis I don't have and learning tips on how to get a girl in bed.
Congratulations Veronica! Hahahahaa!
Too funny! OMG, you've created a monster!
Fricken A, man. Are you saying I was duped when I was in the Who's Who among high school students? lol
O.M.G. I thought only I did that. Hello, I am Dagmar Lurtz.
Shut the hell up. I really look slavek...
You go Veronica. I have a few aliases myself. And Rewards Cards? I use my sisters. Bwhahahaha! Those companies are so confused b/c my mom, myself, and my sister all use the same "card" even though we live in 3 different states.
Oh, girl! Veronica's troubles are only beginning. Just wait 'til the IRS finds out about her windfalls.
I always felt uncomfortable about those rewards cards. Felt like they were tracking my spending/shopping habits or something. Even though each sales/office person assured me that they were for tailoring coupons to my needs. Coupons that they don't give out anymore. Coupons that were for Pampers when I only bought Huggies for six years.
Wish I'd thought of an alias. 'Course, the oldest child syndrome would kick in ant then I'd feel guilty about "lying" and not playing by the rules.
I think I'd choose Elyse as an alias. Sounds classy and mysterious.
You are so very clever and of course hilareous.
What a great idea! I don't even have to wish I'd thought of it, because I can just steal yours....
Ain't it a shame when your fake life is better than your real one?
If only you were as successful as Veronica, you would be in Who's Who too! Makes me wonder if there are other fake people in there... hm...
this is such a great post!
veronica is a sexy, dangerous name, like my very favorite tv sleuth, veronica mars:)
Interesting that you do this. I do, too. I even have an alias birthdate.
So funny! I've never thought of creating an alias for myself. I'm going to have to give this more thought. :)
Are you saying being in a Who's Who is worth diddly? I was in the Who's Who of American High School students one year and thought I was "the bomb". That sound you hear is my bubble bursting. Boo hoo.
Funny post. Yeah, I've got one too for spam etc.
An alias/ghost employee works great too at a small business. A few years back my partner and I were tired of being inundated with unsolicited phone calls from sales reps hawking everything from advertising to office supplies. Sometimes we'd manage to get a word in to say "no", but we also invented "Patty" who "handles that". Patty's rarely in though as she works very part time and sets her own hours.
We had a lot of laughs over that as after a few months she was getting more calls than we were!
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