A Little Bit of B & D

It's time for A Little Bit of B & D. Now, in case any of you noticed, there was not an installment of B & D last Saturday. Braja and I decided weekly was too often for us so Braja wisely asked me if we could change to fortnightly. Now I don't know if it is just my neck of the woods or if most of us uneducated Americans do not use fortnight regularly but I didn't even know what she meant. So, I just sweetly waited until she emailed me to say it was time again. Turns out, fortnight means every other week. Who would have known? The things you learn blogging.

Our first question comes from one of Braja's readers, Mervat at The Writing Instinct.

Dear B & D:

Why is it that a 14 year old boy (my wonderful son) can go through major surgeries (two spinal fusions affecting 13 vertebras, 5 ribs and several huge scars), have his life-threatened in the latter, be physically changed for life, not ever be able to play team sports which he just loves, and keep smiling and telling his mum (!) that all he is concerned about is Mum worrying and that all will be okay. Yet, a man in his early 60's (family member) can be so anal (sorry!) to compare his surgical experience (nowhere near as demanding or complicated as my son's), number of stitches to my son's and still whinge and whine? Very sad, I know. For the life of me I cannot work
this out and this person really bothers, hurts, annoys me (I could go on and on). Can you, dear Braja (and Debbie) work it out? Maybe even help me see a different side, that is, is it me? I await your answer with much interest.

Dear Mervat:

Oh, the conundrum. The young one that we would assume would be more fragile and delicate is strong and stoic while the older one that we hoped would be tough and strong is whining like an animal. I've seen this same thing played out numerous times and I have experienced your confusion and annoyance. I've even seen this at play in various older married couples - when one mentions a small ache or pain, the other has to trump it. I've listened to it escalate to the point where I just knew one of them would claim to be dead, just to win the game.Which I think it is - a game. A game of seeing who can get the most attention I am afraid. Obviously, your son isn't playing this game. He is taking the high road and I hope he can continue to do so. However, I believe your older relative is probably jealous of any and all attention your son is getting from his physical situation. Grandpa (or whoever he is) is thinking to himself, "This young whippersnapper thinks he has felt pain? I've got 50 years on him. He hasn't experienced anything." Truthfully, were you to approach him about it, he probably isn't even aware he is doing it. It's quite similar to the "Back in my day, we walked 50 miles to school uphill both ways while barefoot" stories. I think the older generation tends to always fall into that trap of how hard they had it.

You could try being honest with Grandpa. Tell him that you feel like he is downplaying Timmy's medical problems. That you realize he doesn't mean to do it, but it seems like he is always turning the focus back to himself which makes you uncomfortable. You could even throw in how proud you are of Timmy's strength and feel like the constant focus on other medical maladies might encourage him to start complaining. You might mention that you are trying to steer all conversations completely away from anything physical. And then ask him to tell Timmy about that time when he was young that he... I'm sure you can think of some exploit the old man loves to drone on about and go from there.But I would not take his comments personally as an affront against you or your son. It is just the unfortunate habit of far too many people to list their medical problems in grocery list fashion.

And our second letter comes from one of my readers:

Dear B & D:

My husband wants to buy a $7,000 motorbike. If you go by Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - straight to the top - he NEEDS this bike.

Most of our married life, I've had a stable income that is enough to cover our basic needs, so I've had no problem "giving permission" to buy toys with his own income in the past. In fact, we each have our own bank accounts, and we haven't really made a big issue of what we do with "our own money." In 14 years of marriage, we've never fought over money.

Since December, though, I'm not really employed - I'm taking on the role of SAHM. So all of a sudden we're dependent solely on his self-employment income, which is not really anything at the moment thanks to a couple of factors. We have enough saved to cover basic needs for a year or so, so no panic.

But this bike? Do I encourage him to get it? Do I say, "It's your decision" (which I've done, but he doesn't like that response)? Do I discourage it? I appreciate the fact that he wants my opinion, but I hate being the "NO" person.

And he's convinced that he can sell the bike for more than he paid for it if he needs to - so it's really an investment...

Sincerely,
Scared of Motorbikes in Oregon

Dear Scared,

The economy loves people like your husband. I keep hearing that we won't start to climb out of this recession until people start to spend freely on luxury items again. However, the recovery does not have to start with him.

Let's start with his last argument - selling the bike for more than he paid for it if need be. Do me a favor - reach over and pinch your husband so he'll wake up out of this dream. Nothing is selling for more than it is worth in this economy. Most things are not selling at all. Especially luxury items that no one truly needs. He needs to admit that he might not be able to sell it even at a substantial loss if he needed to raise some capital.

Do you still have separate bank accounts even though you are not employed outside the family now? I think you and hubby need to have a little sit-down. You need to combine your accounts and your assets into one account - a family account.
And then you need to set up a family budget. Realistically look at what your family income will be this year and what your expected expenses might be. Don't forget to factor in those unexpected expenses too - illness, broken appliance, etc. All those fun things that adults have to be prepared for. Maybe if you do this and he can see in black and white that there really isn't much disposable income in the budget this year for grown up toys, he will let the motorcycle dream go willingly. If not, I think you have to tell him that you are just too nervous about finances and the near future to spend that much money at this time. That you realize this is something he really wants and as soon as you are all more financially sound, you hope he can get the bike.
Well, that's all the time we have for solving the world's problems this week. Don't forget to head over to Lost and Found in India to see how Braja answered these same questions.

And what is your question?