My first two children were twins, as you all know. My son was naturally outgoing and self-confident. He was successfully flirting with waitresses by one year of age. My daughter was more cautious around strangers - even family members she hadn't seen in a while. A favorite family tale is of the time when she was around one and half and my in-laws came to visit. (You knew it would be an in-law story. These things never happen with our own parents.) She hadn't seen them in a few months and when they walked into our house, she was playing on the den floor. She froze in that position. And stayed there without moving for over an hour. Yes, I would say cautious was a good word to describe her.
Within a few years, she had also grown to be outgoing and confident. She could chat anyone up about anything.
My middle son? Born to be reserved. We had a standing Friday morning play date at a great park in town. He and I would drive up, he would look out the window and say, "I didn't realize other people would be here." Every Friday. He was crushed on a weekly basis. In his ideal world, no one would have been there except the two of us.
My fourth son? Huge circle of friends. Loves to have people over. If the phone rings, he is out the door.
So what have I learned from this? Children are born with personalities, traits, and tendencies that have nothing at all to do with us. Not only that, some of these traits, such as a tendency to be more reserved and comfortable around fewer people, can't even be impacted by us. I tried. I still try. I forget and try to coax him into having friends over or going out. This does not go well. That whole saying about fury and a woman scorned? Nope. Worse fury is a teenager who thinks you are trying to manipulate him.
Why can I not leave him alone? I believe part of it is our culture's belief that being outgoing is infinitely preferable to being reserved. Even though I honestly don't believe that is true for each person, I find myself buying into it periodically. And another part of it is an underlying drive that we as parents have to make the road smoother for each child.
Although the more I meddle with his innate personality, the more potholes I put out there for him.Ah, parenting - such an easy job.
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118 comments:
You got that right, Sista! Parenthood ain't for sissies.
I think you are so right - we don't always do the right thing, but we usually do it with the best of intentions!
As someone who is innately reserved I can totally see where you are coming from. Our society does prefer outgoing over reseved personalities. I encourage my girls to be outgoing as well. But I also know it works out ok if they remain reserved. I have some personal experience there :)
You are a good mom to encourage them to reach beyond their respective comfort zones.
Easy indeed...but we've BEEN there! We know what will get them teased! We just want what's best for them!
Heh. I think you done just fine, mama. ;-)
Good morning, Debbie! ♥ We do love our kids, don't we!? ;-)
Oh..come see MY birthday girl!
http://www.boomerbabybliss-bfs.blogspot.com
Oh yeah, piece of cake.
My girls are as different from each other as night and day. Relatives on both sides of our family will look at some trait or another and say, "Oh, that's Tam" or "That's Tom" or "Now which one of you is like that?" and I just want to scream that they're not me or him - they're them. And that's cool.
I think having twins makes that contrast even more apparent, as they have experienced essentially the same "nurturing" being the same age and all. I think someone should invent a way for them to come with instructions. Specific ones.
Merrick is soooo the outgoing type.
He tells strangers they are strangers, and starts whole conversations with them about being strangers. (Just like his mamma)
I am sure our next one will be quiet and reserved and sarcastic, just like their dear old dad.
Parenthood is the hardest most confusing thing I have ever done...what is right or works for one gets thrown out the window with the next one...crazy!
I completely agree. Even though my kids are 3 and 20 months, I can tell you they are their own beings, with very little to do with me.
My next blog will be about how my 3-year-old sassed her teacher the other day. I would have never, ever sassed an adult. I still can't. She is definitely her own person, all I can do is try to teach her how to use her own unique traits for good.
Mine have become more reserved as they've gotten a little older. they take their time to check out people and vibes they get from them before they let their gaurd down.
You are right, they prefer to handle things on their own playing ground.
Cybersecurity specialists can be reserved without anyone thinking the worse of them.
Every one of my children is so different. It is amazing.
It surprises me how much siblings can differ from one another. But they all show a stamp of their parents!
Deb - this reminds me of when I was home for three days after the c section birth of my second child - we had been in the hospital for ten days because of complications to me... but my second would not breast feed, I began to have an infection, I called my mother in law to help, she lived close and came right over.
I sat crying, waiting for the ob/gyn to call me with a perscription for my infection as my youngest son cried and I remember saying out loud, something to the effect of: "He is nothing like my first baby" - to which my very wise mother in law responded: " of course he is'nt".
I somehow expected him to be as easy as the first and he was difficult in the early days...but we adjust as needed.
I really liked this post.
This was a wonderful post. I am still in the early stages of parenting. My little one is almost two but I am having fun watching her grow and change. She is so shy around others too. Then she warms up or says bye when we are a mile away.
Well, isn't our job as parents to push too hard sometimes and to manipulate them as they often try to manipulate us? :-)
It does seem that children who are more outgoing do have an easier time but it doesn't mean a reserved person cannot thrive in his own right. He'll just be a lot more uncomfortable in a job interview or speaking in front of groups, more likely. But with time and practice, even a shy person (I used to be one) can flourish!
Knowing that no two children are alike is actually the ONLY thing that makes me think I could consider having a second child, LOL! My only one now - Vivian (or Viva the Diva) as I call her is so dramtic about everything. Throw her body on the floor over any little thing! I sure hope she grows out of this and lightens up. It would be quite embarassing to be at JC Penney's with her at age 13 asking me to buy her a pair of jeans, I refuse and she starts kicking and screaming on the floor.
If that happens, I guess I'll just jump down there with her and pretend we're both insane! ;-)
Oh how true this is...each of our children can be amazingly different even though they come from the same gene pool, grow up in the same environment and raised in pretty much the same way, they are each uniquely and profoundly different. Which is a wonderful thing. It is a wise parent that realizes and accepts this truth of not trying to change your children. Embracing each of our children as they are is a gift we give them...a gift they will treasure and return to us, time and time again, when they are grown and away from us. Great post.
I can relate to your son because I am a natural introvert. I was very reserved growing up (and insecure) and my road was by no means smooth. However, I look at where I am now and the depth of my life and I wouldn't trade it in for anything. I've learned to be outgoing, but I still love spending time alone and am much more comfortable in small groups and one-on-one. Still, I have huge circle of friends and consider myself very lucky! I think he'll do just fine, especially with such a loving mother!! Hugs, Silke
Mommydom isnt for the weak.
You are awesome! 4 children would give me more than I could handle. LOL.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being reserved. I tend to be shy IRL. As parents, we want to make sure our kids are happy, and we equate happiness with having friends. We equate friends with having lives and getting "out there."
Anyway, what I want to know is how do parents raise children who turn out so different? My parents should have drowned my brother at birth. . .kidding--kinda. nah, maybe not. . .
Ah Debbie, when I grow up to be a great Blogger, I want to be just like you.
This was great.
boy/girl twins are an excellent study in genetic diversity. It's been so fun watching how different mine are.
I also have one that is really reserved... shys away from large groups, doesn't like to participate when there are kids he doesn't know... I have to remind myself ALL the time that I can't try and make him what he's not. At the same time, I don't want his reservations to hinder is progress. It's a tough spot to be in.
I love your posts. You always have me thinking. As a shy, reserved child, I know I'm working to make my kids more outgoing b/c I remember what it was like. However they are who they are and each has his/her own unique traits and abilities. I think I turned out all right...
I loved this post- not only do my three boys not look alike, they don't act alike! They are each their own individual little people, which is something that I often need to be reminded of! It's what makes them so different which makes them each so interesting.
I saw my 20 year old daughter at college yesterday and practically had to bite my tongue in half to not say anthing negative about the outfit she had on. :)
It is so hard!
OMG! I could so do a lengthy post on how a teenager that thinks he's being manipulated strikes back!!! They could even make in into a horror movie! LOL!
My mom always said you had to be prepared for your kids to have personalities like any of your siblings...so you better learn to live with them now cuz you'll probly live with them again through your kids:)
I was really worried my daughter would be too different from my son, because I love my son so much. Of course, she's completely different and I love her just as much.
IMO we can only guide our children to help them know how their personalities work in society (e.g. if you are outgoing know when to pull back). We can't change them & as a culture we DO place to much emphasis on being a "certain" type of outgoing. It's hard when someone doesn't fit that.
Have you look into Birth Order? Very interesting....especially where twins are involved.
Going through pothole-treading with our oldest son right now. This parenting thing is a bitch!
My 4 siblings and I are each totally different. We didn't get along too well as kids, despite my mother's many, many efforts, but we are all great friends now that we are adults.
Wonderful post Debbie. It is clear your heart is in the right place with your kids.
xo
you are very right!!
good points!!
i absolutely adore your writing style...
i feel a book deal is in your not so far future..
shraddha
You won some soft socks over at my blog! Come see and please e-mail me your mailing address asap to:
tryingtostaycalm@gmail.com
I swear kids are born with their personalities and not much we do changes them, in general - all four of mine are so different yet I raised them all together.
This was one of my favorite of your posts.
It is SO true! My boys are night and day and yes, I do stress more over the introvert.
BTW, loved "virtual petri dish of scientific evidence". lol
My brother and I are night and day...it's really a mystery that we grew up in the same household!
Isn't it strange. It makes it hard when you finally "get it right" (as if) with one child, then another comes along and shakes everything up with different ideas of how to live in this world!
I love reading your insight into your children's unique personalities.
It is hard sometimes not to medal.........but isn't that in our job description???
aww I think it is so funny he always thought there wouldn't be people there!
I think that there are always positive aspects to all kinds of personalities, it's just about fostering those, rather than the negatives.
Parenting is God's way to keep us on our toes.Cuz just when we think we know it all he throws a wrench in there and laughs like heck! None of my kids are remotely alike if i didn't know better I would wonder if they were all raised in the same home?
Hang in there they will all turn out just great and then the grand children come. You get all the joys but none of the work with them.
Yep. Parenting is a piece o' cake. I struggle with this when dealing with a child who is a lot like me, because I have to remind myself that "similar" and "exactly the same" are NOT synonomous. And those little "individualities" can end up leading to HUGE differences in choices, priorities, interests - everything.
(And BTW, doing OK after dispatching college kid #2? My second goes in 9 days, and again, I'm surprised by how verklempt I'm feeling about it all! Sending a virtual hug!)
I do the same thing with my own son when he's in an introverted phase. What I need to remember is that for HIM, it is just a phase. He'll socialize when he feels like it.
Oh so true! I look at my brothers and I as adults...we have the same biology and were raised in the same house yet we are SO different.
My daughters are complete opposites in most ways but there are a few things that are scarey the same about them...and my younger one is adopted :)
Very intriguing post! Dropping by from SITS :)
Great post! Parenting must be the toughest job in the world in some ways... I guess in the end we have to embrace who our children are and help them to embrace and love who they are too...
I say it quite often...sometimes it is good to be a goat.
So true! Even at 19 months I can tell how much different my youngest daughter is than her 7 year old sister. My oldest is the reserved one. In a small setting she is usually fine after a little time, but in a big group she is almost terrified...and she hates loud noise. The youngest is much more outgoing and attention seeking.
What a great post! We've talked about the same subject (though are children are 3 and 1). But even at such young ages the differences are so clear.
Our oldest and our middle child couldn't be more opposite if they tried. Our oldest (our son)is our little emo kid-reserved, sensitive, artistic, expressive-and our middle child (oldest daughter) is just a giant walking ball of energy-active, friendly, rowdy, always happy...we kind of wondered what was left. Now that we've had our third it seems, in order to be exactly opposite of both of her siblings, she has adopted the middle ground. She is friendly, but quiet. Physically active, but emotionally calm. Basically everything her two older siblings aren't.
Go figure...I think it's definitely nature over nurture. Hubby and I don't push the kids to change, but we do give them the opportunity to try new things/ideas and see if they like them-that's what life is all about!
It amazes me how two children brought up in the same house by the same parents can turn out so differently. Definitely a nature vs. nurture argument...every child is different from birth. Sure nurture plays some role but nature plays a pretty big part as well.
easy peezy...i even take naps on the job! yeeahh right. i can't wait to see what my kids transform into... even at such a young age they are all so different!
Oh... do I like the "Hell hath no fury" comparison!
Thank you!
Ha! Much to ponder here...
Just and FYI for ya:
I am giving away $100 on my blog. Stop by if you are interested! Maybe a college kid could use a cash card???
BLessings-
Amanda
My 3 are all different as well. We already have determined that the middle son will have the huge number of diverse party guest friends at our house in the future, the oldest will worry about it and fret and the youngest will have the brains on how to pull it off.
Well I dont have kids. BUT I do have family and friends with kids. I find them very entertaining. Every one of them has personality. Shy or not, they all have something to say!
My kids could not be more different from each other. While I wish my reserved one was more outgoing, I realize that it's not going to happen and I'm the only one who wishes it were otherwise. He's completely content the way he is.
I only had one son, one child, so I don't know this feeling, but I grew up with 4 brothers, so I do know how different their personalities, and mine, are, and as well, now that we are grown, I see how alike we are too :)
You said it. Easy-peasy.
Oh girl, you know I am living that, too, with my daughter. It's a struggle that I'm working on, constantly.
Sigh...AND just when you think you're in a groove, they go through a growth spurt and change!
My 3 yr old boy/girl twins are so different from each other. The girl is outgoing and the boy wants to be left alone. She's loud and he examines everything.
I'm okay with it, but I do get happy when I see him out there saying hello to kids he meets at the supermarket.
So true. I have an outgoing one and a quiet one. They were just born that way and will always be that way.
Why are children are not heads of broccoli!
This is wonderful...so true...the fact that out twins resided in such close uterine proximity and made their exit with such varied personalities is still an amazement to me.
LOVE this post, Debbie!
Great post and it has me thinking about my kids. My daughter was reserved when she was young but now she is an outgoing sales person! My son was always outgoing and still makes friends easily. I never really pushed my daughter to be outgoing, but I think it is great that she turned out that way. She has a job she loves and a big circle of friends. Ultimately, we just want what's best for our kids.
Okay, your daughter as a toddler sounds like my daughter NOW.
I'm really hoping this bashful, unwilling to talk to anybody, blending into the shadows personality she has going now is something she'll grow out of...because you're right. It just makes life harder than it has to be.
I find stuff like this so fascinating.
I think if Parker had been a neurotypical child, he'd be very outgoing. He still is, but it's with an autistic quirk. :)
XOXO
Oh amen. And I've actually written notes to Mister Man's teachers that he'll never be the most outgoing kid with the most friends and that he may be kind of geeky, but that's OK beause he's HAPPY with it, and that's the most important thing to me an to him. I don't get a lot of support on though. It's hard not to meddle though, isn't it?
Princess Nagger ebbs and flows with being reserved or being the social butterfly. I'm more reserved and cautious, and hubby is more like your son who'd rather not have people around. You're right - Children are born with personalities, traits, and tendencies that have nothing at all to do with us.
Well said! :)
Another excellent post. I have one of those kids also. Worked forever to get him out and learn how to be social. He can do it, but still prefers to be alone. Hmmm, sounds like someone else I know.
We try to do right and make life easier but it's just us wanting to be helpful and not letting them have everything the deserve.
When older we look back and thank our parents, it just getting to the point ;)
My three kids are as different as day and night -at times -and then again, just like three peas in a pod too. My son is the "lone ranger" -sandwiched between his two sisters and boy, have they ever given him a rough road to hoe over the years. But don't let anyone say or do anything to him or against him and those girls will come out clawing, scratching, kicking and screaming in his defense! (Then later, bitch and pick on him for having had to rescue him -again! LOL)
And my girls -the oldest tends to sulk, pout and hold grudges whereas the younger, will hold her tongue only so long, then let fly but after doing that, she's fine with whoever was offending her earlier! And all three of them are a lot like me and yet, so much different in that aspect too. Go figure, huh?
SO true. I'm always baffled by the spectrum of personalities within a single family unit. :)
I finally got to catch up on your recent posts. I do enjoy reading your blog. Parenting is difficult. I am starting to panic about adding another to the mix. I hope you have a good weekend!
So true. Sometimes I sit back in amazement. How somethings haven't changed since the day they were born, those little things that they still carry with them, a part of them now, their personality.
It is amazing to see the differences in our children...not just personalities, but physical appearances as well. Nature keeps things interesting, and us moms on our toes!
Stopped by from SITS!
Grrrl, as I mentioned to you, I have 16 year-old identical twin boys and the two make look just alike to the rest of the world, but they are sooooo different in personality. One runs cross country, the other can't make it back to close the refrigerator door he's left open. The runner kicked and moved constantly in the womb, the sloth stayed so still I constantly asked my doctor to assure me he was OK, and they still sleep that way! THe runner tears up his bed each night while the sloth barely moves. I could go on and on. Before having them I was a parenting expert and thought it was all nurture. I think it's like 85% nature, but I try to get my influence in there nonetheless. You are my hero for raising 4!!!!
My oldest son was the worst. I sat him on the front porch one day when he was 5 and told him to go play w/ his friends.
He sat and cried. Pitiful right.
I finally learned I could not force it either. They are who they are. He turned out just fine.
This is a fantastic post. My two boys are so different it is hard to believe they are both mine... LOL
Yet now at ages 19 and 21, I really appreciate who they are.... yeah they still can drive me nuts with their decisions - but both of those boys never hang up the phone or send a text without saying "I love you".... and that...
well that does wonders for my heart.
you are so right. and you wrapped it up SO WELL! some good post, Mom.
Whoever made that "We do more before 5am than most people..." commercial couldn't have been a parent.
Parenting - the most important job in the world for sure!
I only have my son, but grew up with a sister and agree with all your points. My son seems to have a combo of all four personalities of your children. We just try our best, and hope that at the end of the day our son feels loved and protected. I would love to be perfect, but I'm only 90% perfect. Ha! Thanks for sharing and take care.
-Kiki
Parenting is hard. How is one suppose to know what to do. I guess it like you said, we just want things to be easy and good for our kids.
I liked this post, I made me think. Thanks.
I am already learning this...sort of the hard way!
You know, I always wonder what I would do Debbie if God had given me a child that was not outgoing. I don't know how I would handle it. I am sure I would do the same thing you are doing. I hope he has a great school year : )
I don't have any children and marvel at how parents raise their families. It's amazing, takes a lot of love and patience and ability to allow someone else to make mistakes, learn and grow. You have a beautiful family!
I agree, parenthood is such a challenge, but I enjoy every minute of it. Sounds like you have some terrific kids. I think it's amazing how siblings can be totally different. My hubby is so different then his two siblings. It blows my mind. LOL! Thanks so much for sharing this great post.
Hugs
Michelle
you are right!I'm still trying to figure mine out, my two eldest boys are 19 months apart and so different in every way from the toys they play with, to the movies they like to watch. We have always given them the same love, things and attention!
Wow, I am in a battle right now over this...I am outgoing and positive and my son is now potentially going to be diagnosed with depression and is happiest home alone. We are very different in so many ways, and it's so hard for me to accept that I have not nurtured him enough to make him more happy in general, or want to go out with friends. I feel guilt if I push him to do stuff and I feel guilt if I don't. It's a lose-lose situation. :(
I just found your lovely blog and following now :-)
My son is only 7 years old.
But,I agree kids are born with personality. They want to handle things on their own way..
Have a wonderful evening!
Loved your sweet comment today! Also, love your blog girlfriend!! Such words of wisdom...
also, I'm following now!
Blessings,
LMM
Wow, I am the 95th comment!?!?!? You have some great friends!!!! Sheesh. Thanks for coming by my blog today.
I really enjoyed your post. So funny how siblings can be so different. So far I only have a daughter, though hopefully the second will come soon ... but me and my siblings are as different as night and day.
I'm sure you're doing a great job encouraging your kids in their strengths.
Love,
b
this is a great reminder for me. thanks!
I try to guide and coax my oldest into doing things I think would be fun, too. But like you say, they all have their own personalities.
They do have such different personalities, but thank goodness. We need the thinkers and dreamers, too!
So true....parenting is such a task. I think it has to take over 18 years to really figure your kids out...and even then, they sometimes stump you.
I'm an introvert myself, and I worry most about my #2 who takes after me in so many ways. While I'm happy with the way my life has turned out, I don't want him to ever have to feel awkward or shy in situations like I did (and still do!)
Thanks for the insight. I find that one of mine has diarrhea of the mouth sometimes and I need to train myself to really listen to him or I am going to lose him. He will catch on that I am only half listening or not at all. My oldest is reserved. My youngest is a combo of the other 2. Very different indeed.
They certainly come with their own personalities. I've decided it's not our job to change them, but to guide them.
I've certainly messed up a lot of things for my kids, but I did that messing with a whole lot of love!!
Have a good day.
Sandra
Enjoyed reading about your family, Debbie! Parenting is definitely an art and it's just as well that siblings have different traits - life could be hell in certain families!
I totally agree with you, 100%, at first I thought it was my parenting, then I had another one, and it all went out the window! Great post!
It's no picnic. That's for sure. And I'm only a little over a year in. Ah ha ha
It's so true. I remember meeting one of my nephews for the very first time, when he was only weeks old, and I could see the personality that he still has to this day, at 40+.
Sharing genes and upbringing would seem to lead to identical children, but no way.
This is sooo true!
The differences between me and my sister are amazing to me....
My 2.5 year old daughter doesn't like strangers. She becomes very agitated in the grocery store when people try to talk to her or get close to us. But the best was when we were picking out meat one day and when other people came to look at the meat she yelled. GET AWAY FROM OUR MEAT!
She's a pistol.
It really is crazy how different siblings can be. I have 5 siblings and we all are very different. I think it is hard to stand by as a parent and just accept personality traits in our children if we know that it will make some things difficult for them. We just want the best for them :)
My son is exactly like me and me daughter is the polar opposite. I think it is more of a challenge to try and find a way to relate to my daughter. In the end, I try and adapt. If it works out, I'll let you know! LOL
Great article as usual!
I nailed it! I have boy/girl twins too. I feel like I am running a scientific study daily. They have all the same exposures yet are completely different people!
Ah well, I guess they must get grants to study such things. Wish someone would ask us Moms what we think!
I must remember this. No matter what *I* do, my children will always have their own personalities...and I need to embrace that rather than fight it. Thanks, Debbi! :)
Hi Debbie- It was you who awhile back, said you tried to add me to your reader and it didn't work, right? I am trying to get it fixed, can you tell me again what happens when you try to add me. Thank you!
What a great post. I have five children, they're all so different, it blows my mind.
Really. I wish it were all so much more controllable!
Love this post! Just saying.
As a card-carrying introvert, I totally believe the reserved have more going for them than the outgoing. We notice more. Listen more. Learn more. (I always tell my art students--and sometimes my children--you learn more when your mouth is closed than when it is open.) However,I do believe that society places greater value on the extroverts, so teaching some social skills seems to hold some importance. My poor kids have me as the main instructor (thank goodness my husband is extremely extroverted, but he is at work all day). Me who plans pool and playground trips when I know there will be few, if any people there. And my poor kids never went to playgroups because I could never tolerate the moms in them. I don't THINK that was just my introversion (I'm not a social wreck), but I think my introspective self had little patience for most of the moms who seemed to not have any introspective abilities.
Yes, parenthood! If the feeling of wrestling with a moody teen could be bottled...
I can already tell the difference between my 4 year old and my 6 month old!! They are going to be like chalk and cheese!! And I LOVE chalk and cheese!!!
GREAT post! I have two teen boys who are 15 and 16 now--couldn't be more opposite. When they were around 13 or so I had to sit myself down and give myself a talk. My kids are unique--they will never be the same and that's okay. I give them space to be themselves and our teen years aren't as bad as mine were--I think we will actually survive them:)
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