Thighs of a Certain Size

I celebrated all weekend. I even continued my celebrating into the first half of this week. What am I celebrating? Finally some medical news worth printing. Something that has made all of these 47 years worthwhile. Something truly wonderful and miraculous.
Scientists now say that women with thin thighs are much more likely to die of heart disease.

My cellulite sisters and I can now flash that cottage cheese look we are styling with smiles on our faces and a virtual kick in our step. (We wouldn't really kick because that might shrink the thighs.)
After years and years of scientists deciding that every single enjoyable thing in life will somehow lead to an early death or a disease that will may us wish for one, we get this little glimmer of hope. The article stated the researchers weren't really sure why very thin thighs seemed to be a harbinger of heart disease. That was OK with me. I was already digging a spoon into my gallon of Ben and Jerry's with a smug smile on my face.
Granted, I seem to recall some trivial mention in the article that the fatter the thigh did not mean the healthier the life. Whatever. Scientists are always missing out on the finer points in their studies anyway. It's a well-known fact that they are not as smart as they look.As for me, I'm just secure in the knowledge that those America's Top Model gals are never going to have the healthy thighs I'm dragging around through life.

Now, if someone could just explain to me how to fit these icons of health into my jeans.