I am not the perfect parent. Not by a long stretch. As a matter of fact, I feel like the baker whose cakes are in the oven. I have no idea how they will really turn out. They may fall, they may burn, they may stick to the pan and have to be served in a trifle bowl with lots of whipped cream and fresh fruit. Oops, my mind might have strayed just a wee bit there.
So many of you commented about me being such a great parent. Now granted, maybe that is the serious post's version of LOL in the comments. But I did want to set the record straight. I'm not trying to prove to anyone that I am a great parent. I make far more than my share of mess-ups. I just tend to not write about them. I have always resented that Debbie Downer name and I strive to not be one.
I learn volumes about parenting from each of you. I love hearing about your experiences as a parent or grandparent, or about your experiences with your own parents. I gain far more from you than you could ever get from me.Having said that, I do want to expand on an aspect from the last post - teens and relationships. Immediately prior to pulling into McDonald's that day with my son and his friend and then finding out he was being stalked by his girlfriend's mother, I had asked my son my usual question: Does your friend and his girlfriend have a healthy relationship?
That is the key term I use with my kids to discuss relationships - a healthy relationship. They've discussed relationships in health classes, in scout troops, and in church groups. And believe me, they have heard about what their father and I deem to be healthy relationships. We also feel we've modeled one for them all of their lives.
They've been blessed to grow up in a house where the adults do not yell at each other or really even argue. Sure, we disagree at times but it tends to be extremely civil. How is this possible? I married a saint. Either that or he has a huge stockpile of medications and vodka hidden in his closet that he imbibes to put up with me. All I know is that we are true partners - and our kids see that.
We've also been very vocal with them on what we think are healthy relationships for different ages of young people. This varies from family to family but mine know that I don't think kids younger than middle school age have any business having a boyfriend or girlfriend. And through middle school I'd like them to be herd animals. We don't really need to be pairing off too young.
I ask them if their friends who are in relationships are dealing with jealousy. Then we talk about how a healthy relationship allows each individual to be an individual. And how trust is at the basis of any healthy relationship at any age.By high school, they know I don't think a senior boy has a bit of business dating a freshman girl. What would they talk about - her braces and his college applications? Or the fact that he can legally get a tattoo while she doesn't even have a learner's permit? Shared experiences are key to a healthy relationship.
They know where I stand on sex, drugs, and alcohol in general but also in their roles in relationships. Yes, I ask them lots of questions about couples they know. How else can I get my morals and values across to them while they are still under my roof?
So, before I ever walked into that McDonald's with my son to meet his friend, I had already asked the question. Does your friend and his girlfriend have a healthy relationship? My son's answer? "Yes, but the relationship with the girl's parents is very unhealthy."
Mission accomplished.
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107 comments:
If I knew you in real life, we would be BFF's.
A healthy relationship does not stalk.
...on the phone.
...on text messages
...at your locker
...at the mall
...on the computer
...at McDonalds or Burger King: Home of the Whopper.
Nuff said.
I am so glad you aren't a Debbie Downer!
you done good with giving the kids a great upbringing :D
Now, why didn't I marry a saint - waaaaaaaaa ;-)
I, too, married one of the Saints. The key to our 21 year marriage has always been his amazing patience. I often say, I found that one person in life who is willing to put up with me!
I agree with Laura - if you lived near me we would hang out and our kids would hang out - all in healthy relationships. I take it one step further - group dating (for the most part) all the way through high school. And age difference? You better believe a senior has no business dating a freshman.
When our son (now in 2nd. year college) was a senior he casually mentioned him and "Hannah" were going on a date. Him - 18. Hannah - 15. WHOA and NO.
I explained to him all the reasons this was NOT going to happen. It was actually a great talk - and he agreed that and actually thanked us.
Anyway - still another great post. And Congratulations on your son. He sounds like he has solid footing. You (and he) will reap the benefits for generations.
ps. I still think you're a great parent.
Wow, there is so much to think about.
So pleased you have the best of partners. I have a good hubby now and it truly does make a big difference in bringing up family.
Freindship and loving support.
I think you are a wise parent and while yes I do think you are a good parent, I know that there are no perfect parents...at least I don't know any. But, I do try to encourage and compliment parents when I see or hear them doing positive things with their children because so often parents hear the negative.
When I read the words "healthy relationships" it caused me to laugh and spit out some of my coffee because I used those words so often through out the years of raising my kids that now that they are adults they like to remind me of this.
You are so right about teaching our children about healthy relationships. Two things stand out in what you shared here...constantly communicating with our children...talking to them about all these things and asking them questions and then listening to their answers. And modeling healthy relationships in our own lives. Both of these things are key.
Healthy relationships for teens are vital. It's so important to give them the tools they need to recognize what a healthy relationship is and ISN'T!
This was a great post!
You seem like you've got a great relationship with your kids, very "healthy." It is something to strive for and I'm sure it's not easy.
Well I think you sound like you have got a great relationship with your kids. And it takes work for sure. Your husband sounds fantastic too. Here is to Saints. I married a Sinner, damn that's where I went wrong, lol!
As long as you keep writing posts like this I am going to keep thinking you are a very good parent role model! Really loved the post.
Right now I am the oddball parent who's middle school kids are the only ones supposedly who are not on Facebook. Fortunately they are not asking to be on it. Maybe because they also don't have email and we all share a computer. Even the parents who allow it are telling me, "It's a good thing yours are not on it". Huh?
See your children listen. Yeah to you. Happy Friday.
good advice! I think I'll spend some time talking with our Little Guy about healthy relationships this morning! Just because he's only 17 months doesn't mean I can't practice!!
Have a great weekend Debbie
Very good advice & it sounds like you've been doing a great job momma! Healthy relationships are so important & understanding what that means at different ages.
I'm glad you can talk so openly with your kids about what is healthy and what isn't, what you expect of them etc. I think the fact that they how you feel and why and that you're willing to talk to them about it makes it easier to have those healthy relationships.
Gah! Why didn't my mother know all those things?
Glad I figured them out to teach to my own child.
If I ever become a parent and my kids learn to pick their noses in private, I'll consider it a success.
Kudos to you for teaching your children about healthy relationships!
I married a saint, as well. Maybe I had better check the closet! LOL!
Setting the example can be the hardest part of all. Teaching and telling them what you want them to do is far easier than living it out, sometimes. I wonder if my kids have a better grip on things than I do.
In the anger management class I teach, we talk about healthy relationships and dating violence.
ALl of the boys I work with said that they would never be abusive to mean to their girls, but I know a lot of them are lying. You have modeled excellent behavior. Many of the kids I work with aren't so lucky.
#1--The meds and vodka thing was hilarious.
#2--I would never think you are touting your great parenting skills. But there is nothing wrong with drawing attention to someone else's very bad skills. None of us are perfect (it's true, even I'm not, and my husband, who is, maybe has a stash of chemicals somewhere as well), but there are those of us who TRY to be good parents (which to me is doing all we can to make responsible, independent humans beings to go take our places in the world), those who have their own agendas in mind (stalker parents and those who want to mold their children into exact replicas of themselves) and those who don't do much with parenting.
#3--Talking to your kids is one the best things you can do, and I'm learning from you in that. My kids are younger. I ask them questions all the time about their friends and THEIR relationships with their friends. Maybe I would have morphed into the other questions, but it's clear you have a healthy family, so I know this is OK. Because even though most of the time I think our family is pretty much together, like you I understand the oven analogy.
You have too many comments to read (and some are too long, like this one), so I don't know if anyone said anything unkind to you from the last post, but if they did, it's because they are probably NOT as good of a parent as you.
Wonderful post as usual...I am trying over here to raise healthy,kind,moral children some days are easier than others
See? People who parent like you parent give me a little glimmer of hope. :0)
You were so right in the prior post and this one as well. And teaching relationships is a work in progress, always. Its a skill. And its not easy.
There is a balance between talking and leaving alone.
Rock on with your mommy self
tracy
sounds like your husband is a lot like mine. sometimes i try to pick a fight with him, because i'm just itching for one, and he just won't do it.
note to self: search the house for a vodka stash.
While we all strive for perfection, there really is absolutely NO such thing ! In my mind, the closest thing to it in this world is a parent who keeps questioning themselves every step of the way, and making changes when your kids show you they need them. You're no Debbie Downer, you are more like Debbie Let's Get Real ! And I love her !
Parenting is always a work in progress. Looks like you're doing a fine job. Thanks for sharing with us today.
I love the healthy relationship discussions. My oldest is 9 and will be entering middle school in a couple years. I need to work on having discussions with him now so in the future it will just be normal.
Growing up is hard to do!
I LOVED your comment about the cake in the over- my boys are 2,4, and 9 (going on 18) and they certainly are my little "works in progress!" Some days I think that I'm just going to lock myself in a closet until they're 18, but most days we just keep keepin' on.
Anyways, I loved the post- it was wonderful and has given me some tips for how to handle relationship conversations with my kids as they get older. I, too, won't allow my kids to have Facebook or e-mail accounts, even though that makes me a "mean mom". One of these days, I'll relent :) Maybe when he's older....
You are right on Debbie! My daughter has a friend and the friend's mother texts the boyfriend too, inviteshim over without her daughter's knowledge muchless consent. We all agreed it's abnormal. Never in my wildest dreams would I do something like that. Very narcissistic and sick.
You know it's almost like we are the same person sometimes, seriously! Reading all of that was just like reading something I would have thought about my own life/parenting.
WEIRD. (I mean awesome) :)
Yep, marry a saint. That's worked for me too, as Dental Maven, Frances and, Brooke also express.
Parenting really is the hardest job in the world. You are One Freaking Great Mom, your posts show this. The mere fact that you worry about it shows it!
good for u! my husband and i are very adamant on the dating rules (to be) in our house, and relationships in general. granted our oldest is 5 so i still have a few years!!
The baking analogy was perfect! Im gonna have to remember that one!
We are instilling the same morals into our daughters...I hope they take to heart what a healthy relationship really is.
You are amazing! I love your parenting advice (though it is your experience that taught you all this) Thanks for sharing!
I think you should write a book!
I always appreciate your candor :) I'm always so afraid of offending people, I don't say NEARLY as much as I could to people outside my family. Makes life smoother, but sometimes I wonder if it's time to make a change :)
I love your posts. They always give me something to think about. Like how I should be sure my kids know what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm not sure I've ever talked about it so specifically. Of course, we've talked about what makes a good friend, and good qualities to look for in a boyfriend. But did they get how that translates into a healthy relationship? Ahhh! I've got so much parenting to do - and time is running out. Thanks for the reminder.
You can tell us you're not an amazing mom but that would be a lie. We know you're amazing.
Good job. You should write a book and make millions...
Oh how I loved this post. I so believe that children seeing their parents as partners is key to them choosing well in the future. I to don't believe in the boyfriend/girlfriend thing for anyone under the age of 14 & yes my senior boy never dated a freshman girl!
Now if only all parents believed these things, then maybe I wouldn't be dealing with near the drama as I am right now.
My parents did this with me when I was a teen, but failed to do so with my sister (she is older - they learned). I have a very healthy relationship with my husband. And my sister? Hmm...
Although my parents didn't really have a healthy relationship themselves, my mother did indeed teach us this principle and you're right; it is key.
I don't get the whole micro-managing method of parenting so popular today.
Or the notion that kids would rather we be their friends. NOT. Kids want and need parents who set limits and enforce the rules and make it clear what the boundaries are.
I've always felt sorry for kids whose parents thought they were doing their job if they gave them everything they want.
And....
Before I get totally wound up on the subject I'll shut up.
Except to say I only half jokingly say our kids turned out well in spite of us. Actually it was simply by the grace of God. We messed up so many times it's not even funny. It's easy for parents to sing the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" song but when we make mistakes we need to admit them and then MOVE ON and quit beating ourselves up.
You are too smart for your britches---and thats a good thing!
You may not be a perfect parent, but I do admire and love your attitude!
You may not be a perfect parent, but I do admire and love your attitude!
You may not be the perfect parent, but I do admire and love your attitude!
I think you must be a wonderful parent Debbie. Your post reflect this whenever you talk about your family and the things that you do. This was a great post and I think everyone recognizes that. We've all met Debbie Downer and you are certainly not her.
:-)
No one is perfect, but at the end of the day I ask myself, "Did I do the best I could for my kids?" If the answer is yes, then I can sleep, even though it may not have gone down that way. There are so many people who are unhealthy and they don't even know it, that is what is sad. You and you children are blessed!
Oh, cool. I like your common sense, loving approach to things. And your honesty. I think honesty makes up for a whole lot of not being perfect.
Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job with the kids. Thank you for your nice comment on my blog.
I love this post, Debbie! And the one before this that I apparently missed... :) You've done an awesome job instilling great morals and instincts in your kids - I'm definitely filing this away for future reference for the Princess Nagger! :)
i have had difficult periods in my marriage but overall he is a good hearted person and that's wht keeps us going!1
thought provoking post
shraddha
GREAT!!!!!!!
Hands clapping here! ♥
Boomer Baby Bliss
I am no saint and neither is my hubby. I tend to have a short fuse and am easily frustrated. I will let Jeff know and the kids do see it, but I am not out of control. He puts up with a lot, as do I.
I just hope that we can teach our kids about "healthy relationships" and that they are successful in them.
Yep, that deserved a HIGH FIVE!
xo
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! What a fabulous post...as a girl who didn't grow up with really any models of healthy relationships (and learning a lot from trial and error and some amazingly wise mentors in my twenties), I'm always so thrilled to see parents who take such care to truly raise up their children to be thoughtful in relationships. That's a lesson that will serve them well for life, and in every type of relationship.
I totally agree with your last two posts... I have a great relationship with my boys (ages 18 & 21). I drove them and their friends to several places, and did as you did... listened. When my son was a sophomore in HS, he was invited to the junior prom by a girl and I told him he could go if he wanted because he knew the rules I needed him to follow. He ended up not going with her because as he told me, she would be expecting "something" from him that he was not ready to give to her, as he didn't feel like that about her. Sex was too special to just give it away like that. Blew me away!!
Thanks for stopping by my clog and leaving a comment....
Seriously, Debbie? If more parents laid the foundation that you have meticulously laid, we wouldn't have many of the problesm we see today.
Thanks for speaking honestly and sharing your approach. I, for one, am taking notes... :)
Well said. Well written. Well lived. Well done.
Teaching kids about relationships seems like a HUGE part of the battle...it's good to hear that your son "gets it!"
This is so insightful. I love your parenting style. I get completely overwhelmed sometimes, though, I have to admit, when I read these awesome parenting posts. My kids are little and I already feel that I don't deliberately talk with them about enough subjects. It gets so much more complicated from here.
I really appreciate that you share how you talk and interact with your older kids. I learn a ton.
Bulls eye! Well done.
My cakes are mostly baked :). I think you have the right recipe!
Good one!
We don't fight anymore either, but in our case it IS because of my husband's meds!
Debbie Downer, you are NOT!
Great post!
Hiya! A nasty (childless) neighbour the other day declared in public that I was a danger to my children. I was later telling someone what a terrible mother I must be when No.1.Son aged almost 5 came up to me and said you're not a terrible mother...you're the best mother all the way to the moon and back again. I'll tell that to the social services when they call...!
That's awesome! My children don't know anyone in any relationships yet, but you better believe I'll ask some questions the 1st time I hear of one.
Never fear, you are so not a Debbie Downer.
Uh oh. I'd better have a talk with my 4 year old. She has a 'boyfriend' she met on our camping trip this weekend. :)
Seriously though. I think this is an excellent idea.
My aunt was murdered by her husband in 1993. She was 39. So personally, I'm very much for healthy relationships...obviously.
Great post, as always.
XOXO
"I ask them if their friends who are in relationships are dealing with jealousy. Then we talk about how a healthy relationship allows each individual to be an individual. And how trust is at the basis of any healthy relationship at any age."
Wow. I wish more parents were like you...myself included.
I've been inspired to make sure I'm driving this point home with my daughter more often...and hoping that the men in her life will have had moms like you!
Sounds like you are doing something right.
Smart boy! He must get that from his mom.
My latest anniversary card to my husband-
outside-if you hadn't married me...
inside-I'd probably be irritating someone else right now.
Man, that guy puts up with a lot.
Great post, lady. I'm sure you're not a perfect parent, but you are a wise one. Just sayin'.
Don't ever be a Debbie. I have to urge my mom not to be after nearly 24 years of her being my mom :) I guess it can get tough sometimes! You're awesome though. Don't give up!!
Seriously... you are a thoughtful parent. :)
Wow. I had not thought about DEFINING a healthy relationship for my children.
Mostly because they are never going to be in one because they will never leave my house.
What.
You mean THATS not healthy?
Blech.
Good thoughts here girly!
God bless-
Amanda
When I talk to my daughter she just grins and says "dog". But then she is only 11 months, and I reckon that means she understands...
I look forward to talking more seriously with her, and her siblings - when they arive/exist!
Thanks for stopping me my site today! I was told I need exposure to children or to maybe read a parenting book...so, I think I may become a regular..
- Cougar Tales
http://cougar-tales.blogspot.com/
Thanks for visiting my blog! I love that your son can talk the talk with you!
Umm, I'm feeling terribly inadequate now. Alrighty then.
I obviously need to go read the "other" post but I think I need to print this someplace and refer to it over the next 2 years...
we are entering Jr. High...
I LOVE DEBBIE DOWNER.
Im a d too. :) with a y though. :)
You are a great mom. My husband never drinks...in public. But I also suspect he is taking a nip here and there to put up with the women in his life.
Would you be my therapist? Or maybe you should write a book?
You are so good at this! :)
Thanks for posting this. I seriously have never thought about how to define a healthy relationship. And it's pretty hard to teach your kids about that if you don't know how to define it. Good for me to obsess about for the next 24 hours. Thanks. :)
I had to read your last post to catch up - my husband and I were just talking about those hovering parents. YIKES!
Oh I love how you're emphasizing that on a regular basis. Ahhh, nicely done. And something I'll need to keep in mind.
But wow. Some parents really scare me. I can only imagine what it'll be like when the wee ones are 18!
Yeah. Sorry. But you're a good parent.
:)
You sound like an awesome parent. I love your blog too, I might add. It's great when parents have relationships with their children. We should be able to talk with them and them with us. Otherwise, there's just no hope. I practice the same with mine. Keep on doing what you're doing and giving great advice! We love it!
By the way, thanks for visiting my blog. I greatly appreciate that! You're a doll!
I'm trying so hard to raise emotionally healthy kids. I'm batting 500. It's hard work.
Connecting families and working on healthy relationships are so very important! Great post!
you're an awesome parent and I love to read your posts because you always bring up topics that meake me think, and contemplate about different scenarios!
You're right - communication is everything!!
You are brilliand and you make a lot of sense. No-one is the perfect parent, we can only try our best and learn from our mistakes. My parents did not speak to me about anything. So you are absolutely right, we all need to communicate and discuss things. I missed out on that hugely so I'm repairing the damage with my daughter.
Debbie I love how aware you are of any and all situations. We can't all be the best at what we do, but we can try and stay open and learn. And this my friend is why we all want to comment back to you!
What a great post. I think I will follow your blog! Stopping in from SITS
This is a great post!!!
Look at me I'm the 100th comment! I love that you ask about healthy relationship. I think you're amazing Debbie. I love how you can make us laugh and just say it how it is. The good the bad it's all what we go threw and it's so nice to find tips, laugh and just know that we all may have our troubles raising kids but it all works out in the wash. ;)
I bet that heart/pie chart grew 10 fold. It should. Good on you!
I love this focus on healthy relationships. My son recently ended an unhealthy one. But he didn't do it very healthily. We're still working on HIS side of the healthy equation... :)
I enjoyed reading your blog post. It's good that you and your husband have such a great relationship.
Stopping by from SITS
http://fabulousgccandles.blogspot.com/
Parents stalking their kids is necessary sometimes. Kids will lie to go places that their parents disapprove of.It's understandable on an occasional basis, because children can get into the worst messes if enough opportunity.
Sounds like your man child has it together and a couple of great parents. Thanks for dropping by and leaving a sweet comment. Please visit again and have a wonderfully blessed day!!!
Great blog, found you on SITS!
If you are ever interested in a blog makeover, I'd love to work with you!
www.onefineblogdesign.blogspot.com
My personal blog:
www.finewire.blogspot.com
Have a great day! :)
Sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids if you're able to ask them questions like that and get an answer like the one your son gave. Very admirable!
Also, saw you on SITS!
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