I am not proud of this now, but I did make fun of my friends that were older than me when they had to hold things out with extended arms in order to see them. I have always told you I am the same in real life as I am on here. This ridicule is further proof. I particularly liked to make fun of them when they couldn't use the phone book because they couldn't read it.But, as they say, payback is a mother-in-law.
Anyway, at 42 I began to notice that the eyes in needles were shrinking. After that it was a slippery slope until I gave in three years later and got some reading glasses. I did not wear them on a fashionable string around my neck. Thankfully, the year my husband wanted to buy one of those for me for a birthday present, one of my kids tactfully asked him if he was out of his mind. Crisis averted.
A couple of years after that I got prescription glasses that I can wear all the time. Cute ones.
Everything was going swimmingly. Oh sure, gone were the days that I could read anything without my glasses. I could no longer remove a splinter even with them on. And that phone book - curse those people. I had no idea a font could even be that small.
Life was good until a month ago when I decided to buy a magnifying mirror that attaches to my bathroom mirror. You know, just to help me see a stray eyebrow or so.
Holy Grand Canyon, was that my face? Granted, I have never shelled out the big bucks for those expensive anti-wrinkle creams but you would think some of that stuff I have slathered on over the years would have made my face at least still look human. And how in the world were small children and woodland creatures not falling into my pores? I've seen potholes smaller than what I'm carrying around everyday.
It took me several days to pluck and prune my way around my eyebrows. Apparently, I am genetically linked to Larry Hagman.
So, while I'm slightly more depressed about the way I actually look now that I'm no longer happily lapping along the banks of deNile, I take comfort in the fact that people are not averting their eyes quite as much. There's just one problem.Depth perception. It is awfully difficult to stand the correct distance from that mirror and see what is going on. Which is why last night instead of plucking a stray eyebrow, I forcefully tweezed a big hunk of skin off my face.
Go on, you young people. Laugh. Laugh long and hard. Because you know what.
Your day is coming.
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104 comments:
That is exactly why I don't own one of those mirrors! Ignorance is bliss.
Oh my, couldn't have said it half as well myself. While trying to apply a bandaid to the gaping wound on my eye lid. I'm afraid one of these days I'm just going to hit the eyeball with the tweezers and completely blind myself.
You are hilarious! And I understood it all because my day is already here.
Oh, hells yes. Laugh on, young uns. I dare you. Sometimes I want to show pictures of my younger self to the youn uns who think they're hot shit. You wanna see hot shit? THAT became THIS. But seriously - enjoy your cotton candy. Surely this won't happen to YOU. (bitter? maybe just a little...)
I don't have one of those mirrors. I don't know if you've made me want one or not...
Heelarious! I have been that short sighted for most of my life but I had a real comeupance a few years ago when I got one of those magnifying vanity mirrors. Holy smokes! Ignorance is bliss.
Sigh. I wish that this post didn't ring so true. Just yesterday, I realized that the puffy area under my eyes, which I have been attempting unsuccessfully to unpuff, is also riddled with cavernous wrinkles into which my makeup now rolls or plummets or something. Now my under-eyes look as if they belong to an old lady. Crap.
I totally agree with bermudaonion...I don't wanna know!
This is so true. You think it will never happen to you but one day you look in that mirror and wonder why your mother is staring back at you.
It is sometimes better to not have that magnifying mirror and go on thinking I still look like I did 10years ago. Just let me have my fantasy for a little while longer.
I wont even look in the crappy mirrors anymore -- no way I'm getting one of THOSE!!
Oh, those mirrors. Really a disheartening way to start the day.
And I feel sorry for the people on tv - HD is not nice.
A little fuzzy vision is a good thing.
Lesson learned - stay away from magnifying mirrors. Thanks for the tip!
I think I deserve a "pass" on payback. For a majority of my life I was seriously blind---as in, coudln't read the E at the top of the eye chart with my naked eye. I've since had LASIK and waking up in the morning and being able to see my alarm clock is still awesome to me!
LOL! I didn't realize I needed glasses until a coworker pointed out that I sat leaned up on my computer while I was drafting! LOL!
Thanks for the warning ...I am never gonna get one of those magnifying thingys... I refuse to believe I am getting older ...Ignorance is bliss..
I have that same mirror. It can be scary...
I can't mock or laugh. I've been wearing glasses since i was a 16 year old with braces. I'm blind as a bat.
For the record, my husband thinks that girls who wear glasses are SEXY! He doesn't want me to get contacts. **love**
magnifying mirrors are of the devil. just sayin'. ;)
I hate magnifying mirrors. Anything that can give a 20-something wrinkles is of the devil.
But then...I'd be able to count my numerous grey hairs easier...
I didn't even KNOW your eyebrows could go grey! I'd never noticed. *sigh*
You are so funny! I know this feeling -- at the tender age of 45 (okay 46 next month) I'm also losing close vision. The nearest thing to a pass I get these days is the guy in the hardware store offering me his reading glasses when I can't see the coins in my purse. As for mirrors? Those in my bathroom are the best. They're backlit and they make me look like I'm 25, not 45. You're not the only one living in deNile!
With my reading glasses on, the boyfriend's manhood looks Much More Impressive!
Secretia
Now wait until the time comes when you have to take your glasses OFF to see the tiny print.
*sigh*
Getting old just sucks and is a complete oxymoron
Debbie, I am much, much, much, younger than you, like by 50 years, and I have been wearing glasses since I was in the 4th grade. My current vision is about 80/150, in each eye.
Dear Debbie, I feel your pain. All magnifying mirrors have been removed from our home, it's just to painful :-)
xo
I've been in glasses for over half my life--since 4th grade--but I refuse to get one of those mirrors!!!
So....you DON'T want one of my beaded glass "strings" for Christmas?? :)
Without my glasses, I can't even see the tv or how beautiful my children are. With my glasses, the world is great, but I feel very self consious about my glasses. And my eyebrows when left alone for a WEEK...unibrow! Thank God, I sell Mary Kay so I get awesome skin care stuff cheaper! But remember that is all less important to how beautiful you are inside. I hope that your face heals fast from the plucking!
BTW - I cracked up when I read that payback is a mother-in-law! ROTFL Have a blessed day!
This totally made me laugh. Especially the hunk of skin. (sorry.) Because I would SO do that.
I (mercifully) don't need reading glasses. I am near-sighted. And the doctor said the age thing is actually improving my vision.
But the near-sighted part of me has always loved that bit of fuzz clouding reality. I live in a sort of impressionist world. Until I put my glasses on. And then I avoid mirrors at all cost. The pot-holes and what-not are far too unsightly when they're in focus!
I am as blind as a bat and have been for years. When I first got glasses, I could not believe that the leaves on trees were defined, I thought they were just big green masses.
So, therefore I do not pluck at all, can not see a thing. LOL
Oh I am so there with you on this. Very funny spin on an annoying aspect of getting to hang out here, year after year.
Ohmygosh, this was so freaking hilarious!! Those magnifying glasses are scary things.... there are some things you're not supposed to see that close!! ;)
Oh my gosh...you are just so funny!!
Don't you wish we could have a haze around us like they use on the actresses on HD tv? Soften our looks, less wrinkles and all. Those mirrors are so awful.
For me it is the one lone long hair that grows overnight out of no where that leaves me horrified when I finally find it in the mirror to realize it is 4" long. Then I wonder why my family hates me so much that nobody bothered to tell me I looked like the wicked witch. *sigh*
You are hilarious! I'm still too young for this, so I'm one of those young people's who day is coming.
I hate those mirrors! My mom has one and I have to look away when I am at her house using the restroom, its just not right to see things magnified!
Oh Debbie, I know all too well exactly what you are talking about. And I don't like it even one little bit. Argh!
ha. i do that, even with my contacts in.
What is really sucky- I need to wear my cheaters while using the magno-mirror :-P
"payback is a mother-in-law"...AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!
Um, and also...who even reads the phonebook anymore?
And also? Until you find the need for a jitterbug phone? You're still young.
o gosh! I'm in the 'eagle eyes' stage now and I can see myself going down several slippery slopes in years to come...I often forget to apply cream altogether!! aaahrgh!!!
I KNOW! Those magnifying mirrors are a total curse. I think I'm starting to look more like my father than my mother-- yikes!
But you did a great job on this-- well done!
You need avon products ASAP!!! Especially Reversalist or the stuff we have with hyaluronic acide in it (Derma-Full products)
Check out my website and let me know if you want samples!!! I will mail them to you.
Now the vision thing, I cant help you there. I've worn glasses since 2nd grade!!
http://nancymarsh.avonrepresentative.com/
LMBO! You crack me up! I am blind without my glasses. I am not looking forward to wearing reading glasses over my contacts. *sigh*
I have the opposite problem. I can read print fine. But I can't see well across the room. In a restaurant I help my husband read the menu and in turn he tells me what is going on across the room.
Thank you for visiting my blog today. That was very nice.
I read once that our eyes go bad to take the pain out of seeing the lines on our face!
Oh I'm always having tweezer accidents. It's a nightmare, and the cause? The sight issues, once again. I need to accept that I probably need to wear my glasses all the time instead of some of the time, but glasses and eye-brow plucking don't mix whichever way you look at it, and in my case I don't seem to be looking at all!
The very same thing happened to me! I don't know what's worse, living in ignorance with the blurry eyesight or living in reality that the face can change so rapidly, and eyebrows seem to go haywire with age. Very funny post. I'm still smiling.
i think my day just came. i feel your pain. great post!
I feel your pain. Chunks of eyebrow skin and all.
The year I turned 40 I got braces and bifocals, and that pretty much sums up middle age, doesn't it?
I've tweezed little divots out of my chin in the name of removing the hair I could only locate by Braille, and have had mustache moments where it looked like, given the opportunity, I could tie an innocent heroine to the railroad tracks for not paying the rent.
But for all that, I wouldn't go back to my 20's for all the Botox in Joan Rivers.
I think you hit a nerve here. I'm worried that a few years from now I'll be in the same position.
I can't see anything further than three feet from me.
Getting old is hard. I always tell myself, it is so much better than the alternative!
Good luck with those tweezers, girl!
I wish I had more time to pluck out my gray hairs. Yikes!
I'm laughing and crying at the same time. I used to make fun of my mom stretching her arm so far. But yes, the eyes of needles,especially the ones for the sewing machine are getting much smaller (and that handy-dandy needle threader doesn't seem to work.) I'm afraid to get reading glasses. I put some cute ones on once--for less than 3 seconds--and I could hardly see for3 minutes afterwards. I know I would be instantly dependent. So for a short while longer (I'm 44), I'll live in deNile, too. And be appalled beyond reason when I have to look that close in the mirror. (The Larry Hagman thing iswhatmade me laugh the hardest.)
I seriously laughed all over the place about the "payback is a mother-in-law." Ha ha ha ha!
I've been blind for ages so this post is as familiar to me as the back of my hand would be if I could see it.
Ohhhh----you got this right! I, basically, am blind-----near sighted my whole life, and NOW, I can't see close or far---arrrggghhhh!
It only gets worse - wait until you need your glasses WITH the magnifying mirror!!
This is why I don't spend much time in front of mirrors. This way I can just pretend this issue does not exist. Some might call this deNile. I call it not wanting to get depressed.
Those mirrors are pure evil and I avoid them at all costs!
:-) Pay back is a mother in law! I'll have to remember that!
For the life of me I can not remember if I stopped by to thank you for stopping by my blog. (Uh, what? Redundant much?) THanks for your sympathy in the loss of my grandmother.
Very funny! Glad you managed to get rid of the eagles nesting in your eyebrows and the woodland creatures in your pores.
One of the perks of dwindling eyesight is to avoid just this! ;-)
Oh honey, I've been paid back for a long, long time.
Sorry you're having to deal with this.
The second I turned 40 my perfecto vision started failing.
You at least have vision that requires glasses on at all times.
I have wonky vision. I can't wear glasses unless I am reading. So I have like 10 pairs of cheapy magnifiers all over the house. Off/on, it drives me nuts.
I love reading your blog!!!!
I hate it! Maybe we were all programmed to only live to age 40. I've been using reading glasses for years for books and for music from piano/organ. Then about a month ago I sat down to play the organ one Sunday and realized I COULDN'T SEE THE MUSIC ANYMORE! So now I've got to get serious and get glasses for 19 inches. I shouldn'e complain as .... really...I've been very blessed with vision throughout my life as I come from a family of everybody wearing glasses early in their lives. *sigh*
There's a bright side to your story....At least you have eyebrows to pluck! Once the big "M" hits they rarely grow in. Word to the wise----BE CAREFUL how you pluck them before you begin that phase of life because that's the shape you'll be stuck with all through your golden years. Is Larry Hagman starting to look pretty good to you now?
I'm NOT laughing!!
(You didn't say I couldn't giggle though...)
For a while, I'd been making fun of my dad and my husband for the long-armed reading they were doing. And then this year, it caught up with me. I'd noticed it with reading, but when it really hit home was a situation similar to yours when I needed to pluck an eyebrow hair or two, and realized I couldn't see any detail that fine. What a sad day!
Can't find my readers, so hope my fingers are on the right keys!
I am 39 and found that I could not read the font on a small jar of something and I realized that I had to put it FARTHER away to read it! I felt instantly old in that moment, :(. I did used to make fun of my dad for doing that, oy!
omg, LOL!!!!!!! Paybacks are a mother in law, you are a RIOT
I just found out that reading glasses don't work for me. I passed on bi-focals and I regret it. Now I have to take my glasses off to read everything.
ok, you're officially the funniest blogger I know. I am 36 and still glasses-less, and fully support ragging on friends who don't have the same abilities as you. After all, what are friends for? Thanks for the laugh!
Just last week I tweezed off half of my left eyebrow. Getting old is not for the faint of heart.
That was so funny, lady!
I'm sad to say that I can see fine...and that's my problem. I'm all too aware of the fine lines and wrinkles (and canyons and zits). Already. YIKES.
Hi. Thanks for stopping by my blog.
Oh, those mirrors...i don't like them. I feel you.
I have mood (ie: poor) lighting in my bathroom and bedroom for this very reason!
OMGosh when I was pg with Cole my eyes went from every once in awhile needing glasses to waking up one morning and holy crap I can't see! Oh it will go back after you have the baby! LIAR
Ok his eyebrows are just freaking crazy! they point in all funny directions!
Expensive creams no clue what those are don't you just use a little Prep H? LOL ;)
And you KNOW my day came recently, so what next?!
I could have written that post except I still haven't given in to the bifocals I CLEARLY need. Oh and I would have to change "eyebrow" to "chin".
I too, gave in a few years ago and bought readers...mostly so I could see to pluck my eyebrows. I try real hard not to look at the rest of my face when I have them on! Now I use them for everything! You are so funny and I just love visiting your blog! :-)
Tweezing incidents like these are the reason hot wax was invented and aestheticians get paid good money to make sure we don't inadvertently gouge chunks out of our faces.
:)
I hear ya! Paul is a decade older than I am and I could NEVER understand what he meant when he said "I cant read that" when I passed him something that was perfectly readable to me. Then it started to happen.....sucks.
I feel ya, oh, how I feel ya!!
Thanks for the warning!! You crack me up.
I've worn contact lenses for years, but now have to use reading glasses for close up. I recently found out I have glaucoma now...darn I hate getting old. But I guess it's better than the alternative. lol.
Consider yourself lucky to have had eagle eyes for 40+ years. I've been wearing contacts for years for my distance vision and now I'm noticing the close vision is getting less sharp. You had me laughing with your mirror story. Just remember that no one sees your skin magnified other than you and maybe your dermatologist. :)
haha, I love how you ended with your day is coming, my mom says the same thing :) She needs her glasses all the time too, but she would definitely not be able to write something as hilarious!
Hmm...just had a thought...maybe God makes us lose our eye sight as we get older so we can't see those ginormous wrinkles and hairs in odd places so clearly and then we can live out our old age comfortably in the land of DeNile...if we didn't mess with the plan and try to go against nature and try to stay young... well maybe that would help us accept the droops and sags just a little easier...Or not ? ;)
larry hagman eyebrows........HHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA.
Lol! Too funny!
This gettng older crap is for the birds!!!
Ha ha ha, I know exactly what you mean!!! My daughters make fun of my mirror and my forever free battery operated face razor. BUT guess what?
They are using BOTH of them these days!!
Now when they make fun of my flat butt I just say " You Wait!"
I'm still giggling over "payback is a mother-in-law."
LOL!! I've always had to wear glasses, my hubby didn't and LOVED to tease, now he needs them for near and far...all I can say is HAHAHAAHAHA!!!! (I am hating this bifocal thing tho..)
LOVE this post, youre too funny. Those magnifying mirror are terrifying. I try to avoid them at all costs!
I hear that Girlfriend. I went with my hubby to the skin doctor (that's what's in store next - aphasia) ah, dermatologist and after waiting awhile next to all of the little brochures about fillers, procedures, etc. they called us in. My sweet Doctor asked me what was wrong and I told him that I had aged - he took my hand in his and patted it very gently with othe other - looked me straight in the eyes and said 'Put away the magnifying mirror, Dear'. Love that man...
The "Holy Grand Canyon" line got me. LOL I've been giggling uncontrollably ever since.
Hey, I've got nothing on you. I'm 33 and I've been wearing glasses the better part of a decade! LOL
And, ummm...why in the world did you buy a magnifying mirror? Don't you know ignorance is bliss? :D
I laughed! :) As a 'young un' I totally laugh and tease my Husband (who is 40) ennnnnndlessly.
But then I stop and look at his father, who in his late 60's has aged extreamly well... And then look at my mother, who in her mid 50's looks much older.
I fear the day when the table are turned.
LOL. I've worn glasses for years and even with the reading part have a difficult time with the tiny stuff. I even bought a magnifying thing in order to thread needles and such but the magnification threw off my equilibrium. Old Age Sucks.
And it seems like eyebrow hair starts growing more rapidly the older you get.
love, Larry Hagman.
I am right behind you, baby. Squint. Squint.
Oh good god, those mirrors are the DEVIL. Sure, it starts out innocently enough, just wanting to really see those hairs you're missing. But then you get a look at those pores and good god! Something must be done! Next thing you know you've pitted your entire face and now frighten children in public. Hmmm, I don't know what you're talking about....
Amen. I remember thinking my mother was crazy, couldn't read things, couldn't thread a needle... now I'm learning. I don't like it...and I have the mirror to!
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