How to Insult

I've decided it is time to teach you all a lesson in southern manners. Specifically, how to insult someone. Oh sure, I know many of you already think you know how to do this, bless your hearts. I'm here to make sure all of you that weren't born and bred south of the Mason Dixon truly understand the fine art of insults.

Southerners are famous for their ability to insult someone and coat it with some sugar so the recipient isn't quite sure what they've received. It's just one of those things we do well. Like deep frying absolutely anything, having a certain fondness for our kinfolk, and making really good iced tea.

As I did my research for this topic (lying in my bed awake at 4 a.m.), I decided that there are three successful ways to insult someone.

The first way, and really the easiest to accomplish, is to say whatever you want, and then finish your sentence with a sweet "bless her heart". For instance, you might say, "Those cookies she made could break every tooth out of your head, bless her heart". The blessing negates the insult. See how simple that is? Even a child can do it. Additionally, don't be afraid to mix it up as in the sentence, "Bless your heart honey, that is the ugliest sweater I've ever seen". Which I might add is a perfectly fine way to greet your relatives over the holidays. Many a southern door will be opened with that or a very similar greeting springing forth from the lips of the hostess. Then, a perfect glass of iced tea will be pressed into the ugly sweater wearer's hands and there will be smiles all around.

Secondly, we have a technique I like to call the one down - one up. The basic premise of this technique is that you let your zinger flow freely, then follow it up with a genuine nicety. My children were even taught this in their elementary school (I promise you my children have received wonderful educations. There are just a few quirks along the way that I have pointed out to you.) When some child gave another child an insult or "put-down", the offending child then had to tell them two "put-ups". No, this did not teach the children to be nice. But, that is beside the point.

The point is, in the south it is perfectly fine to say "Aunt Ester, your new husband isn't a bit better than any of your previous six", as long as you then say, "Your new hair color is fabulous". It's the same theory as the one I heard long ago about how you can serve the worst food in the world for a dinner party as long as you end it with a great dessert. I recommend pie.

The final option for insults in the south is the more complicated "sandwich method". It takes a practiced southerner to accomplish this and I believe it is more commonly executed by the gentile southern lady rather than the gentlemen. Here's the recipe: one zinger, one sweet one, one final zinger. I'll demonstrate. "Carrie Elizabeth Margaret sure has been putting on the weight. Of course, her face is still as pretty as an angel's. But don't let her near your all-you-can-eat buffet."

Simple? Yes. But not always easy to master put into practice. I recommend you start this method when talking about someone and only with experience try it when talking to him or her. Many a southern feud has been started by a badly practiced sandwich insult.

So, there you have it. Just in time for your holiday gatherings. I truly believe that even you non-southerners can master these techniques. Bless your hearts.