Southern Criminals

It's time for another installment of what the wacko people have been up to lately. For a nice little spin, I thought this time we would focus on my southern brethren. Seems like in the past the crazy news stories have been centered primarily in California or Canada. Now, I'm not going to draw any conclusions from that fact. After thinking about it, I just realized I didn't feel comfortable with Canada and California having all the crazy people. So, I dug around and found several closer to my home.

I'll start with a fellow Tennessean. A lovely woman in Shelbyville, Tennessee was arrested after that town's annual Christmas parade. It seems she was in violation of the town's public intoxication law by riding in the parade while under the influence of a little too much Christmas spirits. How did they know? Well, for starters, they found her outside a hotel slumped over the back of the white horse she rode in the parade. Then, officers had to catch her twice to keep her from falling. I tell you, I'm not sure what our world is coming too if you can't tie one on prior to a Christmas parade. I just know the kids would be disappointed if they couldn't bet on which drunk would fall off their horse first.Another fine southern lady, this time from Louisiana, found an interesting way to deal with a boyfriend who was threatening to leave her. The 44 year old man came home, announced to his girlfriend, Carolyn Brown, that he was leaving her, then he went to bed. Yes, that is where he made his tragic mistake. We've already established in prior posts that southern women are always cooking and have plenty of food at their disposal. So what did Carolyn do? She simply picked up a handy pot of grits and poured them over her beloved. Hot grits. The man has second degree burns over his face and hands. No word yet on whether he is still planning to leave Carolyn or not.Just a little to the east, a Florida woman was serving dinner to her live-in boyfriend. She offered him a slice of bread which he refused stating he wanted a dinner roll. Apparently, 53 year old Elsie Egan was not in the mood for multiple bread offerings that night because she picked up a raw steak and repeatedly hit the man in the face with it. She has since been released on bond. And there you have it. Yes, we have our weird crimes in the south. Oddly, they seem to revolve completely around food and drink. So if you are traveling down south over the holidays at any time, I'd just give you a friendly reminder to be on your best behavior, don't break up with anyone unexpectedly, take whatever bread is offered, and watch out for crazy drunks on horses. I think if you remember those tips, you'll have a memorable time.