For instance, one of my children is a tad bit more argumentative with me than the others. I say black, he says white, etc. However, I have yet to have a parent/teacher conference where the teacher did not point out to me how nice he is, how easy he is to get along with, how he never argues. The first time this happened, I was fully prepared to pull my child out of that teacher's class. After all, she had obviously lost touch with reason. Probably hallucinating. But, as I sat there longer, I realized she was talking about my son. My son. Same person. Just not the same personality I get to live with.
It happened with my daughter too. A guidance counselor told me she had two kids that year with the same name. One she said was happy and one was hyper. I immediately told her my daughter was the happy one. Oh yes. She has always been happy and lovely. Perfectly calm.Nope. Come to find out, my daughter was the hyper one. Glad I hadn't placed any money on a bet.
It happens time and time again. A scout master comments on how patient my son is working with the younger scouts when he has 15 seconds of patience for his younger brother. One child tends to some minor medical emergency with a calm and rational approach away from home whereas a hangnail is cause for a 911 call when under my roof.This same phenomenon happens with my parents as well. The stepfather who talks non-stop and tells the same stories and gives the same advice time and time again is surrounded by a crowd of adoring people every time he ventures out into the community. He and my mother receive wedding invitations from the grocery store checkout person and the pharmacy tech.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could see the people we love through other eyes occasionally? Eyes that are not so absorbed in the day-to-day struggles of homework, food, laundry, and carpooling. Eyes that aren't busy trying to make the money to pay the college tuition. Eyes that are willing to let the little petty things go and focus on what is truly important.
I'm going to try to find that view a little more often in my life.
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99 comments:
You are so right...all my husband's coworkers think he's the smartest, kindest, and most generous man who ever walked the earth, while I see him...let's just say...differently. Lemme see if I can improve my view of him.
Nope. Didn't work.
Yes, it would be. My son was the same way - he'd go to someone else's house & the parents would tell me that they loved having their child play with him because mine was such a good influence on theirs. I would just think, "huh?"
Hmm.. interesting post. I too have different views of my children than the general population. But then again I always said it mattered more how they acted OUTSIDE of my house than it did INSIDE (where they are free to be ... what's the word I'm looking for?
Sounds like an excellent plan. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't mind being invited to the grocery checkout person's wedding every now and then...I imagine the vegetables would be extremely tasty.
Nice post. I agree it would be nice to see our loved ones through other people's eyes more often. I glad my kids are well behaved outside the house. I just wish I could get more of that at home.
let the petty things go huh? i'm working on it, but definitely not there yet.
also, why is it that we feel like we can be hateful and take our bad day out on those we love most?
Well said Debbie.
I think sometimes we don't see our kids, spouse, parent the same way others do because our view is blocked by all of the baggage and button pushing that comes with being a family member. It's one thing to know someone from school, work or the grocery store; it is a totally different thing to be their parent, wife or child. Those roles come with expectations and expectations often complicate things.
I agree! On one level I am proud they my children behave so well at school and receive compliments but I do need to let the busyness of day-to-day life go sometimes and just enjoyt them.
You're right. We are missing to enjoy little pretty things in life sometimes. Maybe they look little at the moment but they are really important if they make us happy, make us smile:)
I have twin 4 year old girls. I see you have slightly older boy/girl twins. Nice to "meet" you fellow twin mom. *waves*
Lynnette Labelle
http://lynnettelabelle.blogspot.com
Well spoken, my friend... a much needed reminder. ;)
Oh yeahh I often wonder that too..people rave about my kids and then Whamm they say something so out of character..Its like ..Who are you..? especially my younger one..just a clash of personality..and shes 17...!
My daughter is the goofiest, silliest thing at home, but her teacher says she is a perfect angel... huh???
For us, others don't have the expectations for our kids that I have for them. And oh how I would love my son to treat his sister the same way that he treats the new kid in class...kind, gentle, and tells the teacher when he's crying, and not kick him while he's down (like his sister). :-)
Absolutely. Food for thought.
Oh, my goodness, yes! I especially remember when the Tongginator was a toddler... people would follow me through stores (sometimes even out into the parking lot) telling me how absolutely adorable and sweet she was. And I would hope my grimace passed for a smile. But now - looking at all of our old videos - oh my lands, was she the cutest thing ever. Truly. Those people were not crazy, they just didn't have to live with her then. (And don't judge, y'all. There's a reason she earned her Tongginator nickname, meaning the Terminator from Tonggu County.)
We're worn ragged by their behaviour inside the home just so that they can be angels outside it!
I liked this post very much, and I will try to follow your advice from now on.
I am blind as a bat! I am sure others see my kids much better than I do :-)
Getting new eyes is always a good thing - it happens now and again in our lives !They usually come when we have someone else show us a new way of seeing. We just have to be open to it, right ?
Here's to having our eyes openned for us !
Well said. Good post.
YES! With me, my kid talks CONSTANTLY, a complete, won't-shut-the-hell-up chatterbox. But his teacher says he's so quiet and well behaved at school. Crazy.
that would be nice -- even better if it worked both ways :))
happy monday!
umm, is that an oxy moron?
:))
lol...great post. I totally agree with you...♥
Your step father sounds like my dad! He has the most AMAZING stories...and I've heard them all. The thing is...the pharmacy tech? Hasn't heard them yet. LOL
This was a timely post. I have a lot to learn from it.
My hubby could use a lot more props from me.
And my son? Always in trouble at school, yet quiet and calm at home.
I wonder if people see us differently than we really are too. Which side of us is the good side? Yikes!
How true is this? Right away I thought about how I am precieved by others compared to those that know me the best such as my husband and kids. :)
My son is grown now and it is wonderful to hear others say what a wonderful person he is! When he was young...drove me crazy!! LOL!! I too try to view through others' eyes.
Hugs
SueAnn
God certainly has a sense-of-humor. He's messin' with you, GF.
I have to remind myself that frequently when I get overly irritated with people around me....I just think, "SOMEONE out there thinks this person is great and loves them so I really shouldn't be so snappy and irritable."
I remember when I used to work in a preschool. The kids would be absolute angels during the day. Using their manners, following the rules... then their parents would walk in to pick them up and BAM their little horns would come out. I always thought it was kind of funny.
My kids were always angels at school and terrors at home. Better than the other way around, I guess!
We let our guards down with the people we trust most. You reared them well.
Parents just tend to drive us nuts no matter what...
I'm just thankful that when my children are away from home be it school, sports or others' homes they are well mannered and well behaved and don't act like the horrible little urchins I know they can be - lol
Very true!
It's as if we have this little script that we have to keep playing out with our closest loved ones over and over and over again, even as things change.
My beloved late father-in-law lived a very colorful early life and had stories which we had all heard a million times. Whenever we traveled together, we would look around to find him in animated conversation with strangers who thought he was the most fascinating person ever. Of course! They were hearing all those wonderful stories for the first time--and they WERE wonderful stories. Also, he was so interested in people. He immediately asked where did they come from, etc. which embarrassed us to death and utterly charmed the strangers.
Why is this????? You're right but I so don't get it!!!
Hmmm....
I guess I'm different in different settings so it makes sense that my kids might be too.
It is strange though.
Yes! You did a great job with this post. I really needed to read this.
Great post! It is a nice reminder to try to overlook our loved ones imperfections and focus on what makes them awesome.
Another great post!!! My kids have just started school, and already I'm amazed how different they are away from me.
Nice post. I will try to keep your thoughts as my "wonderfully talented son" and I frantically put his science project together tonight. :)
Hope you're well.
That would be great!
My cousin has the same issue with her son.. the one child that is a little more argumentative with her... is the perfect angel in his class and is loved by all.
You're right though - i think sometimes when we are so absorbed in the day to day stuff we cant see what others can.
Isn't it funny how we're the opposite with our family that we are with others?
I maintain that the old familiarity breeds contempt adage applies, my youngest daughter is so contrary with me, but not with others. I think our kids begin to pull away from us and become rude in the process. It hurts but I guess it's only natural. When they get older, I have three adult children too, they begin to think we're almost as smart as they are. Yay! Light at the end of the tunnel.
I think a lot of time we let our loved ones see the ugly side of us. It may be because we are secure in our relationship with them but it's still not fair. In the same way, we can be very self-reliant and confident away from home but knowing you can rely on someone at home to handle things allows us to pass the buck there.
I do love hearing others' perspectives as it helps to readjust and stop focusing on the negatives which become so big in our eyes.
My oldest son is 4 & in PreK...I was hoping this would happen with his teacher and it has not. Let's just say that she struggles with him as much as I do...and it brings me to tears. I thought I was being over critical of him before school & that he'd be one of those "he's a joy!" kids. *sigh* Maybe next year.
I have a son with many diagnoses, one of which was oppositional-defiant. That is all we saw. But when we went to the school in his younger days, everyone knew him - teachers that he didn't have, parents, administration - and they all thought he was just charming. And I thought better they see the good side than me, cause that's how he is most of the time - with others.
So true. I think part of the problem that everyone saves their best "face" for the outside world.
This is actually a very true and beautifully written post. Point well taken. Wouldn't it be nice!
I would love those glasses. I would also love to see through the glasses my husband wears when he sees me.
That is so true! It's amazing how we often become different people depending on who surrounds us.
Yes. Have you ever heard that Brandon Heath song "Give me your eyes"? (It's on you tube) I've thought about this a lot, how easy it is for us to not see others-- even those we think we know so well-- as they really are.
It's so true - I can't tell you how amazed I am when people tell me how wonderful my second child is! I mean, I'm his mom and all and love him dearly, but he can be...difficult :) I'm just glad they're viewed well when out and about in the world, must mean something's sinking in!
Oh, so true!
I have a son who a teacher would hand pick to be in their class yet more often than not I don't know what to do with him. I frequently ask what happens between the back door of the school and our front door in the few minutes it takes for us to get home. However, I would be mortified if it were different and I am old enough to recognize that we all behave differently in different situations and with different people.
I would love to see my parents through other people's eyes b/c I don't have a close relationship with them yet they seem to be loved by their friends, coworkers, etc. What is it that I don't see or better yet...can't get over?
This post really came at the right time. I've been struggling with my son's control issues and defiance, but I suspect he'll have a great report at the preschool conference this Wednesday.
It kills me. Parenting is hard.
Great post.
That is so true. I have heard the same thing about my kids during their school years. Sometimes I guess we all need to look outside the box and SEE the person more closely.
Isn't it nice though that they "surprise" us with those qualities we hope we have wanted to instill in them.
It is always amazing to me to hear what others think of my family and friends. Sometimes I am way off, or are they?
I am SO there!
I have the same problem with my kids---they were always totally opposite from what they acted like at home....its interesting,to say the least....
That's funny -my dad can be quite a curmudgeon with me and my son. We were quite taken aback when we went to his regular bowling alley one day with him and he walked in and it was Norm from Cheers with us all of a sudden! Everyone knew him, he was all smiles, he was giving advice on bowling and cars, talking about fishing and their grandkids....it was very surreal!!
Every parent/teacher conference we have is the same. The teachers tell us how wonderfully behaved our daughters are and we say, "What?"
I do have to say, my view of the world has changed considerably over the past year. I am more forgiving, not as ornery and much more happier. I try not to sweat the small stuff. I give more, smile more and I suppose I even love more.
I have changed only because I see time as short...perhaps? Knowing my life is precariously balanced in a greater scheme of things. I find that view very comforting at times.
If there's anything I would want in this world is to see life how other people do. It truly amazes me how we're so different. Gotta say though, when a teacher tells me the opposite of which I know is true, I smile a little warily & remind them my kids are only human. Gotta say 7 kids are a trip...#6 screamed bloody murder AND passed out over every little thing several times a day and #7 never cried til she fell off the bed at 5 months, at which I breathed a sigh of relief that she too really was human.
My father in law is this same way. Some times he is so impatient with my two boys who are truthfully really good kids. He doesn’t even see them that often. This same man is also loved to death my most the little kids at our church.
This is genius! But don't be hard on yourself because, using myself as an example, I wear different hats/masks for each of my different roles. I am not my children's friends, I am their mother. I am not my sister's wife, I'm her sister. The roles require different behavior. They just do.
I'll never forget when people would come up to me and tell me what a GREAT GUY my dad was and how they wished he could be their dad, etc....and I thought, "you don't know him in that capacity."
I think you may be on to something here...
Oh, amen. My mother is beloved by all. I mean - I love her, and all, but a lot of the traits people are drawn to in her - well - I just can't see 'em.
Makes you wonder how different people view us, too, doesn't it?
Great post! I must say I'm proud that my children always behave. It's so wonderful to hear other parents rat and rave over how they love my kids.
That's something I try to improve now and then - my reaction to other people's view of my kids. They say "funny" and I think "show-off", they say "strong" and I think "fat", they say "smart" and I think "know-it-all" -- I want to see my kids' traits in a positive way at least now and then!
Such a great idea...sigh. Lovely post.
I long ago came to the realization that others' perception of me is so not the way I think I present myself to the world. With that knowledge came a sense of relief - I could stop trying to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be, and just be "me!" I still get criticisms for my behavior, words, actions but at least I am being true to myself.
I enjoyed your post very much.
It's so true. I think that we are all so complex.
I work with teenagers with behavior problems. When they see me, they are usually well behaved, compliant, polite, etc. Not always.
Then I meet with the parents, and they tell me how horrible they are and to not be fooled, etc.
I think that they are BOTH true. I know I was a major snotty brat in college at home, but to others, I was always fun and warm and polite.
It would be wonderful indeed to see our children thru someone else's eyes. My girls do tend to fool me often.
Kinda scary to think how others might view me from the outside looking in?! Kinda makes us want to act a little better!
Grandkids are like that too. They are perfect with us and turn into monsters the moment their parents pull into the driveway!
Good figure.
xo
so well said. i wish i had that ability, for just a day or so. kids always find a way to surprise us. (oh, parents, too...)
Words of wisdom and beautifully crafted.
I need to do this with my hubby for sure! Let go of the small annoying things! Another great post!!!
WOW!
It truly is the little things which count in life...good, bad & indifferent.
That really was a cool post...makes the thinking cap work.
xo, Mango
Oh, how true. How often I have recognized this very phenomenon. Great post. Making me think.
Yes...I concur. If others see the best...why can't I..as I'm scrubbing the toilet, picking up dirty underwear from under the bed (eww), food under the pillows, calmly (cough,cough) helping with homework...
In all reality..they will be grown and out of the house soon enough and I will hopefully have grandchildren surrounding me..because then the rose colored glasses will be on.. I need to also see with them now:) Did that make sense...I have to get to bed. Have a great day! :)
Oh, I do recognize this phenomenon! It is lovely to hear your kids described in a positive light by others.
SO SO SO TRUE!! oh my gosh. every parent teacher conference i'm expecting to see that the teacher FINALLY saw the light and see's my offspring for the giant screwball he is, but nope. never does.
Yup. That's a good reminder! I'll think about how cute everyone thinks the munchkin is when he's trying to climb on the stove. Ah ha ha
Definitely worth a try!
Yes - I'm familiar with this... But sometimes I think "they" are just getting a limited view...
That is incredibly interesting!
I usually don't care about how people perceive me but this makes me kind of curious... and I'd like a glimpse of how other people see my loved ones as well. Or would I?
When my father retired after 50 years in the same company, he was given a book containing written messages from hundreds of colleagues. Reading them, what emerged was a person who was funny, chatty, flirtatious and an all-round good-to-have-around kind of guy. My mother didn't recognise this person at all. The pressure of supporting a family of five, raising three kids to adulthood (and doing a spanking good job) turned him into a somewhat different person at home. Suffice it to say, we all adore him regardless!
How true this is. Sometimes I wish I could see myself the way others say they see me. That would be nice.
YES. Those are good eyes to see through. I love how you think.
That's AWESOME. First I was enjoying thinking about how petrified I would be to realize my kids had different personalities away from home. (Was I restricting them from being themselves? Were they developing personality disorders? Which part of this will they blame me for later in life?)
Then I got to your sappy conclusion. (I love sappy conclusions). I like how you put it - I too try to see people through 'different' eyes, usually when I want to sideswipe their car for misbehaving on the highway. Though I look at it another way, as trying to see the real them. (hmmm, not so much with the drivers, more with people I like). I like this take on it, which allows for them to be different people in other settings or with other people, and appreciates their changing and many-dimensioned personality.
I'm behind yu all the way on the TV idea. there's is vertually nothing on TV that a family can sit down and watch together that is remotely entertaining.
i relate so much to this...
you have this right on..
This is so true.
Sometimes I also wish I could see myself thru other people's eyes as well...
I keep hoping everybody sees me as a skinny beauty who loves life and has the patience of a saint. ;)
Well, isn't this the truth? Something I need to work on for sure.
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