Oh sure. I have quite a few friends whose kids I like. A lot. Kids who will look me in the eye when I speak to them. Kids who will answer me if I ask them a question - sometimes even answer in complete sentences. Kids who have uttered the words please and thank you more than a few times in my presence.
And then there are the other kids. Kids who will not even acknowledge that I am a living being even if I am standing two feet from them and asking them how they are. Kids who still run and hide when their parents come to pick them up. Kids who feel like they can say negative things in my home about how few computers we have or the size of our TV. No, I no longer pretend to like those kids. Maybe it's because I'm in my late 40s and no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. Or maybe it is just because these entitled kids have worn me down.
Recently I observed a two year old slap his mother in the face while saying "I hate you" to her. In church. What did she do? Nothing, of course. That's what leads to this behavior.I read something when my children were younger that was about feeding your child. It basically said that you should not let your child eat like an animal because you were raising your child to be a social creature. Someone that other people would like to be around, even when eating. Obviously, that stuck with me because I can remember it 19 years later. It hit a nerve. I remember thinking, "I am raising them to be people that others want to be around. Not just me and my husband." I felt that advice was applicable to a heck of a lot more than eating.
No child behaves all the time. My teens are still wildly unpredictable and at times act worse than preschoolers. But, most of the time they know what behavior is expected of them and what consequences they will incur if they don't meet those expectations.We've reached a point in our society where so many people seem to feel entitled all the time. Our children seem to have this attitude the most. I have actually heard children tell teachers they didn't have to do well on a standardized test - that their parents said that was the "teacher's problem", not theirs.
I don't have a quick fix. I do know it takes some backbone to be a parent and it isn't a fun job all the time. I also know that quite a few folks don't seem to have the backbone for the job.I also know I don't pretend around their kids anymore.
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102 comments:
We call those kids "foreign" kids. I demand a lot of respect out of my kids towards all people...children and adults. But I expect at least a verbal response from other kids. Right with you on this one. And I'm with you...I don't know how to pretend otherwise. I'm not a good liar.
I understand what you're saying. There are parents that I know of (not many, though) that allow their children to run around crazy. The relaxed approach to discipline seems like a good idea, but in reality it creates more work for the parents as the children are constantly out of control.
I can't believe a two year old slapped his mother and told her he hated her in church! Or anywhere for that matter! What is wrong with society these days.
I walked around the mall yesterday afternoon dreading my children turning into teenagers. How do you raise them to be good kids?
wise, wise words. i pretty much don't like any kids these days.
Why is it that ignoring bad behavior means "patience" these days. I don't really like other people's children at all. Including my own nieces and nephews. Oh, well. I can only pray mine turn out well. :)
My two small grandchildren -age 6 and 3 -are both autistic, which can sometimes (only sometime?) create some off-the-wall situations in the disciplinary department. However, even with them, we try to teach them correct responses, being polite, well-behaved in public (a really big issue at times when a meltdown is looming) and to their credit, much of the time, they do try to remember, try to be as socially aware as is possible for them. Their older half-sister though -who also lives with us -is a whole 'nother ball game though, all too often. Trying to get her to be friendly, to behave properly at times, seems to be beyond her comprehension level. And our neighbor's almost 16-year-old? I don't really dislike the kid but gosh, she can be a royal pain in the dupa with some of her actions so I tend to ignore her as much as possible.
Your right; it does take backbone and consistency and having a high level of standards!! Many parents have become lazy! Making sure that kids eat with a fork and not horse down their food; saying please and thank you and things like this takes work and stick-to-itivity!! And guts!!! Lots of guts!!
Hugs
SueAnn
Everyone who knows me has heard me say more than once, I don't really like other people's kids. And I'm generally not referring to my friends' kids, though there are even a few exceptions to them.
SOmetimes I don't like my own children, forget other peoples children! I get so upset at wishywashy parents! Ugghhh! Really? People indulging in your kids every desire is not making them happy, it is making somebody that nobody likes to be around!!!
Listen, I don't have my own kids, but I have worked with other people's kids for the past 10 years, as a social worker. And the enabling I see DRIVES ME CRAZY.
Parents aren't doing their kids any favors.
Every child has their days, I get that, but we don't encourage or set up playdates with kids who are consitently out of control. Right, wrong, or indifferent, we just don't want our {almost 3 year old} son playing with kids who don't have self control to not hit or who throw tantrums.
I am still a young mom and I definitely don't have all the answers on how to raise well-behaved children. What I find interesting is that I can no longer hang out with some of my friends because their children are so terribly behaved. We have such apposing ideas on how to parent that we honestly can't have a good time together unless the kids aren't around. This is a new stage in my life-- when I start befriend others according to how their kids behave around me..
Great post. I am always inspired by what (and how well) you write.
In my generation the underlying feeling seems to be "but I want them to LIKE me". I always respond that they basically aren't going to like you once they hit their teens, so you might as well not worry about it and just go ahead and be a parent.
And now, after the terrible teens and early twenties ;) mine like me just fine.
Oh I sooooo need to get a backbone. I have no clue what to do with someone else s child when they are misbehaving. But there are definitely some kids I love to be more fun and outgoing with and others that I have no idea 2 words I could say to them other than hi. :s
I am just about to jump and down screaming BRAVO to you!!! Bravo for putting that out there and saying what some people wouldn't ahve the guts to say!!! I agree with every single things you said!!!
What makes me sad is it seems to be my generation that is doing this terrible parenting and creating these over-entitled insufferable little brats!!! :(
I definitely feel you on this one. I drive a school bus and have, in the past, been a youth director so I'm around kids. I also still have one in school who comes complete with friends who invade my life at home. I am polite to them all (SOMEONE has to set an example for these kids), but I can't and won't at this point pretend to like the snarky, whiney, entitled ones who think they can do anything they feel like. And it's been my experience that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
The pendulum sure did swing from one extreme to another in the parenting department over the past 50 years. Great post.
right there with you. DOn't have kids yet- but other's people kids is one of the things I'm admittedly NOT looking forward to! :-) (the poorly behaved ones of course).
Unfortunately, I'd say you are describing more than 50% of my students. Ugh. If all parents had to go through all the forms, observations, and blood tests that we had to go through in order to adopt, I wonder if things would look a wee bit different around here.
its most difficult when said evil children belong to close friends. i cring at the thought of having them to my house because they are so poorly behaved.
She just sat there and let him slap her? She didn't grab him by the neck and take him out to read him his life's bill of rights with a yardstick on his butt??
Oh, don't even get me started on this subject!
I agree with you, definitely. Unless they're special needs kids and have trouble just making it through every day--autism, ADHD, sensory issues, Down's etc. Those parents are my heroes and try their damndest. But I don't think those are the parents/kids you are referring to in this post.
You think EXACTLY like I do. I just want to smack parents whose kids act badly. Sure it's the kids' fault, but it is more the parents' fault.
I don't like those kids either.
I don't have kids so I don't begin to be able to speak as someone who knows but I know how I was reared and I know that a lot of children today are too entitled, too rude and in for an awakening when mommy and daddy can't solve every problem or it is NOT someone else's fault.
Hah! I am the hated aunty that is just too mean. And I have no problem with that. And my mom? She was too. I think alot of parents are flat out too overworked and too over scheduled to have the energy to parent. Just slowing down would cure alot of that problem and give them more time to be a parent.
Not going to happen.
I think that's really brave of you. Somehow, we are supposed to automatically like all children (and elderly people!) regardless of their behaviour and how our personalities match. In a way, I think that diminishes the worth of children / elderly people because you do not see them as individuals.
Raising kids is hard. I totally get what you are saying though.
It was a light bulb for me, too. I need to raise my children to be nice...so I WOULD HAVE FRIENDS! Nobody would want to be around me or respect me if I was a half-ass parent.
I know exactly where you coming from. My kids are still relatively young and I am suppose to like other peoples kids, but I don't. Lots of them are rude and disrespectful. Not cute and little.
I saw my 12 year old's classmate hit his mom at the movie theatre and she just took it and actually let him stay for the movie.
She did give him a "mean" look,lol.
It certainly is disconcerting when children misbehave and the parents do nothing.
I'm not big on kids either, and I think you've hit on the why. At 65, I don't feel the need to pretend, either.
Yes, raising well-behaved children is such a challenge! I believe that expecting the best behavior has to begin at the moment they are born. My kids are now 23 (son) and 16 (daughter). While it was hard at times, my husband and I stuck to our guns about what we expected out of them. They were both very shy as young children. I was (still am) a working Mom, so my kids had to be in some sort of child care. For them, it was one of the best things to have happened. They learned how to get along with others, how to respond to grown-ups and how to generally comport themselves in a mannerly way. Some of my greatest joy comes from the other grown-ups in their lives - teachers, parents of peers, church members, etc. - who talk about how delightful they are to be around. Yes, you CAN raise delightful children. And you know what - both of my kids genuinely like both their Dad and me!
My daughter happened to make a comment this weekend about under-age drinking (she knows that we are FIRMLY against this). She said that she can see why so many of her peers are confused. Their parents assume that the kids are going to drink anyway, so they let them drink at home - often allowing OTHER people's kids to drink, too. My daughter said that she's so glad that we don't assume she is going to do something like underaged drinking. She also said thay maybe her peers wouldn't if their parents EXPECTED more from them.
Interesting, isn't it? The idea that PARENTAL EXPECTATIONS might actually have an impact!
Plus, I think open, constant communication is a must! If you can't do it eye-to-eye, then get in the car with your kid. You drive - and the kid can talk without being required to make eye contact. Both of mine knew they could talk about ANYTHING in the car - and usually did.
Great post....
Thank goodness all the kids in my family are the "please" and "thank you" kind, but I know just what you mean. What kind of parent are you to let your kid slap you and mouth off like that without recourse?
OMG I hope my kids aren't like that.
I think that, perhaps, you have touched upon one of the greatest flaws in today's society! Children are not taught to be respectful anymore...because their parents aren't respectful. That sense of entitlement? Guess where it probably came from.
I completely agree with you. The kids are mostly intolerable...
And the parents usually need a good kick in the pants!
I don't have kid but feel the same way. Parents say "oh this is so hard", but I'm sorry, my parents raised me and my sister working full time jobs.... I turned out fine. Just because it's hard doesn't mean that you should let your child run your life.
I'm struggling with this myself right now. Thanks for this post. I now feel less guilty about seriously disliking one of the kids I'm in frequent contact with. Fortunately I have permission to discipline her so I have no qualms about telling her that her behavior is unacceptable. Unfortunately, we have to cover the same ground every time I see her as her parents are failing to address any of her behavior problems. My fear is that my daughter will pick up on these behaviors.
I guess I'm naive but this just shocks me. I suspect I will see more and more of this as my son gets older and I'm exposed to more kids.
Parenting is difficult.. and a lot of it seems to depend on the generation and its values.
Glad to know I'm not the only one.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I don't like other people kids.
(And I really do like some of them - just not..you know...ALL of them.)
This is an important topic and I see many joining in the discussion. Probably the parents that need the most help are NOT joining in the discussion.
Opinion can really fly with this subject and think it's been that way for a long long time.
I leave you this thought from Mary Schmich
"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."
Oy.
I wonder, sometimes...I'm at my WORST, parenting wise, when I'm in public. When I don't feel that I can let my kids throw a fit. When I bribe them, while on the phone, with chocolate, just so I can finish the conversation. (Ever tried to get through a voice-prompted customer service system with a one year old in the room? DOESN'T WORK, SWEETIE.)
And I can believe a two year old slapped their mother. Ming Wai (new name!!) did it. Once.
You know what....I so totally get you here. There are some kids that I cannot stand to be around because they are rude little brats.
I can't believe that lady didn't do anything!! But if the child is capable of slapping her in the face and saying that then maybe I shouldn't be surprised. It is sad how little some parents do.
If my son slapped me in the face, I'd slap him into next week. That kind of stuff just don't fly with me. I am admittedly hard on my son...and it's because I don't want him to grow up to be a little ass. Parents are too lenient on their kids these days.
I would have hit merrick right back.
When Merrick says things like that I tell him I will go get him a new mommy.
Oh, the comparison of material things! Sends my mama instincts into overdrive.
Parents need to remember, most obnoxious adults were once obnoxious children.
Let's work together to stop the cycle :-)
Oh my goodness, can I get an AMEN!!!!
Dear Deb,
Thank you very much for this well written reminder that teaching children how to be healthy social creatures is their parent's responsibility. You have done us all a great service.
Sincerely,
Kim
(who had parents who taught her manners that she is grateful for every day !)
Happy Monday !
I especially like the very good example of raising your child to be a social creature by teaching them to eat properly. Reminds me of my dad, who I have to remind to not talk with food in his mouth, and say excuse me when he farts. Combined, it's a daily patrol.
Good for you for not putting up with it. I can't imagine being a teacher in this day and age. So far the high schoolers I'm coaching are fabulous...though I know it's cause we just met.
Great post!
I'm not at all interested in tolerance-based parenting. If a kid hits me at ALL, especially in church, there will be NO ignoring. It's all I can do to refrain myself from carrying other people's kids out of church myself.
I figure my children shouldn't like me that much until they have their own kids, or at least until they move out and live on their own. Then they should love my guts like crazy.
You go girl. I'm with you.
When I was raising my daughter, who turns 22 this week, I would tell people I wanted to have the child that people enjoyed being around. I think I did OK because to this day, people will tell me how kind, considerate, polite, etc. she is. Oh, I know that she can be a pain in the butt because I've seen it, but I would rather I see it than know she acted that way in public or around others. The motto in my house, and her dad's too, was being polite and behaving was not an option in life -- eating candy is an option. Great post!
Oh, I am so with you. People that don't train their kids or pets, and think everything they do is adorable. And you don't want them in your house.
your post is so creative and funny!
http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/a-shout-out-to-reach-out-kreativ-blogger-award-and-more/
an award for you in my blog,
cheers!
You Rock!
I appreciate your comments at times and you always light up my mood with your wit and humor!
I think there's been a shift with how parents parent over the years. Instead of laying down the law which was perhaps too controlling (or not, I'm kind of undecided on that one), there's been a massive shift in the other direction of being too permissive. Sometimes I wonder if my parenting style is too strict but I can guarantee that no kid of mine would get away with slapping me across the face.
A Lot of Loves
I wanna live in your town or neighborhood....because I was always told I was being over protective when I tried to teach my daughter manners and respect and enforced rules of the house. Now she says she feels like an alien because not a whole lot of people have respect, manners or morals. So, yeah...I want to live in your neighborhood so I can point at you and say, "See, there are others around that believe the way we do." (Oh wait....pointing is rude, isn't it)? There goes the neighborhood!
Amen and AMEN!
Any more, I find a direct correlation between how much I like a kid and how much I can stand his parent(s). I have 35 music students parade through here every week, and honestly - most of them are clones of at least one of their parents. I have a 3rd grader who mimics his father's arrogance so perfectly I want to smack the kid and then the dad, every week.
And I gotta say, if I hear one more young parent whine, "But it's so haaaard..." I think I'll go mushroom cloud on them. Where did you EVER get the idea that raising kids would be anything other than back-breaking, soul-stretching, down and dirty WORK??
Quit whining, be a grownup, and model the social responsibility your kids are going to need in order to become anything other than a number on a prison roster.
Please.
I have always wondered about how some parents would feel if they could see their own kids as other people see them.
I know where you are coming from! My kids are old enough to have friends over and some drive me nuts! I started telling them that "my house my rules, or you don't play here." Tough love, but they are much nicer kids here without their parents then they are with their parents.
My SIL has a strict policy: She likes no children but her own. Hey, have problem child? Hand him/her over to Mrs. Scribe. I'll solve the problem in no time!
Debbie, wow. As evidenced by all these great comments, your post is awesome. You've hit it all on the nose! I agree with and respect everything you said.
Amen!
Very, VERY well said. I wholeheartedly agree.
My favorite thing I've heard recently? "Little Suzie won't let me". Ah, seriously? Just who is the parent here?
Yikes! You sure got a whole lotta love on this post! There are so many wonderful comments on this one!
Yes, I agree, parenting has got to be the hardest thing to do! There are no guarrentees! I just do my best and pray every single day! Most days I do have a backbone, but I'll admit that some days I don't!
Great job pushing our buttons!
Oh boy! Mine is so little still. I hope I don't screw it up. I agree with you 100%.
My lack of patience runneth over when it comes to parents not parenting their kids. When kids are being disrespectful to adults and they use curse words and slap their parents or don't hold open the doors for older people, it points to the parents for not instilling that in them at a young age. It starts at home.
It's not up to the teacher to instill things in a kid that the parents should've instilled a long time ago.
Good parenting is hard work. I desperately DO NOT want my girls to turn out rebellious, mean, disrespectful, ect. That really drives me to be on top of things as far as discipline is concerned. I definitely have a backbone! Good post! Oh and why are parents afraid of their kids!? I can't figure that one out. If my child slapped me....oh wait she never would! ;)
I have 5 children, and each of them say "Yes Ma'am, No Sir." They hold doors open for people, the boys take their hats off when we pull over for a funeral procession, they pick things up for older people, they look you in the eyes when they speak to you or when spoken to...and they are happy!!!! It's called teaching and respect, and there seems to be a huge lack of it in our society! Kudos to you!
I signed up for your giveaway book. If I don't win, I'm buying it. We are totally ruining the next generation. Hang on, it's going to get bumpy!
Alex aka Ma, What's For Dinner?
www.MaWhats4Dinner.com
As the mother of a two year-old and five month-old this was a great post to read. I always felt judgemental of parents who gave into their child's tantrums, but until you are in public with a screaming, flailing child you have no idea of the absolute panic that sets in and the burning desire to get them to stop at any cost. I still don't want to be that mom, though, and I definitely don't want my kids to be "those kids." Thanks for the encouragement to think about the future and not just these crazy, undpredictable toddler years.
Oh, soooo AMEN to that! Seriously, people are being friends to their kids instead of parents. I even have a post in my drafts about it. It's horrible.
I hope that you don't ignore the little ones. I'm really working on my three year old responding to people.
So true, my friend! Unfortunately, we have kept distance between ourselves and once close friends due to their lack of discipline when it comes to their kids... Usually, mine would be the kids leaving in tears. We had to draw the line in the sand.
I love that you are honest in how you feel!!
You would like my kids. ;)
Amen!
I couldn't agree more. Having a 17 month old, I'm already starting to see behaviors that I know I need to nip in the bud now before it becomes a problem later.
And if I had slapped my mother in church, holy cow! I would have been across the room, lol.
I don't discriminate. I dislike all kids equally. Ha! Seriously, I have a hard time pretending to like a kid that acts like a degenerate.
is it ironic that the slap occurred in church? i always have so much time or my children's friends who take the time to address us personally and make eye contact and speak in complete sentences. it really does seem to be a gift, with most kids doing the mumble, lowered head thing - so sad. i can totally see why you make more time for those that have the superior social skills. i know i do!
I like your attitude. You've earned the right not to pretend to be something you're not. Good for you. And I do agree about some kids these days. Adults are trying more to be their best friends than the disciplinarians.
I have noticed that kids start regressing the ability to carry on conversation and polite interaction socially the more the text. I allow 2 of my daughters to have phones and text, but we have to remind them and stay on top their social skills - since alot of kids do not even interact in the same car or at in the school yard -they are all busy texting one another - and not even in complete sentences or even run away sentence but abbreviations. I do not know how these kids have closure it would drive me crazy!!! but I do believe that the older the teen gets instead of having better social skills they see to degress - I blame it all on the texting interaction and not real face time with each other!!!!
I don't pretend about anything anymore. Such freedom. I have seen kids slap their moms too and there are no consequences. Usually the mom has excuses like "they're not feeling well or they are tires". Rot.
I work at getting my oldest child to respond everytime he is spoken to. My middle child is outgoing; don't tell him a secret!
Teaching them and holding them to the same moral standards is a challenge that is certainly worth all the work. They each have their own personalities and gifts but must know what is expected/required of them and why.
Pretending is not my thing either.
You are totally right.
When parents do not have the backbone or patient to deal with the acting out of children; they will get no where.
I think it is a good thing you dont pretend. I do not either. I am as real as they come. Who wants to be nice to a kid that is rude??
I know I would like your kids.
My oldest is in 8th grade and he has no email, computer, etc. We do have lots of other things but he recently told me the sleepovers he used to have don't happen now because his friends tell him we don't have wireless over here (so they can get on Facebook on their IPod ITouch). Works for me!
I couldn't agree more!!
I agree with you completely! Its a shame the way some kids act...and the shame lies with the parents
I love this blog. You just have a terrific way of saying what I think! Sadly, I find that there are so few of my friends' kids that I truly like. But, unlike you, I'm not brave enough to stop pretending. You go girl!
I truly enjoyed this post!~ So true, I totally agree with you. I have not had too many kids I do not Like! However, there have been a few along the way, ill mannered, disrespectful, spoiled...etc.....my boys have never been friends with kids like that...when we see this behavior in public, it actually is a topic of discussion, as my kids can;t understand how a child can talk to their Parents like that...or behave so poorly.... I tell them it is simple...the Parents have allowed it!~
This is so true! You hit it right on! So many kids have no respect for adults and no actual personality anymore, to put it bluntly. I don't know what happened? I can't help but think it all comes down to the parents. Are parents raising their kids without respect and without ethic? Many of the teens I see out in public (working) don't even look you in the eye while say, ringing up your order. It must be hard for business to find good kids to work these days. They are just blatantly rude and disrespectful.
Boy did this post resonate with me! I'm still in the pretending to like them stage. Mainly because it's expected that the pastor's wife will be pleasant to everyone. Thankfully most of the kids I come into contact with on a regular basis are decent, nice kids.
I require and expect good manners from my children. I had my little one saying "please" and "thank you" before she turned 18 months old. I think manners are so important, and it makes me feel great when people comment on my girls' good manners.
Yes, it does take more work to get good behavior out of your kids, but the return is worth it. My oldest drives me up the wall sometimes, but she knows what I expect from her when we are in someone else's home or in public. :)
I stopped pretending to like other people's kiddos long ago. It doesn't do anyone any good. They may not like it...but sometimes the truth is all it takes to change someone's behavior!!
I have witnessed some sad parenting or lack there of moments. Where the kids are running the parents, the parents want to be friends, or let them have their "emotions". PLEASE! SPARE THE REST OF US!!!
After spending the weekend with my nearly 10yo niece who is getting too big for her britches, my 2.5 yo son came home and got angry at me for something. He balled up his fists, thrust his arms down while doing a single stamp of his foot and declared "I hayge you Mommy" I told him it wasn't a nice thing to say and would make me unhappy and still not do what he wanted. Then I fled the room so I could burst into laughter.
I also have a problem with maintaining a pleasant exterior with bratty kids. I try to avoid them, but I know it won't be so easy when my kids are making their own friends.
Heh. Preach it, sistah. It does seem like the kids I have been around lately have an air of entitlement (And it's not limited to kids, I may add). Is it because they've been spoiled? Because their parents feel guilty for not spending more time with them?
I've had to tell my own children a time or two that the axis of the universe does not run through the center of their head.
i love kids. my own. the end.
Dropping by to say hello and to show some blog love. I think this is a great post that many parents need to read. I too have seen many, many children disrespect there parents and many who have verbally abused there parents. This type of behavior should never be tolerated. Love this post...I could go on, on but I want!
Wishing you a wonderful night!
The relaxed approach to discipline seems like a good idea, but in reality it creates more work for the parents as the children are constantly out of control.
home jobs without registration
Well, I can honestly say Autumn might not speak to you if you spoke to her.
But it's not because of entitlement...it's because she's so darn bashful! LOL
I know her daddy is shy...and I know all her aunts and uncles (daddy's siblings) are shy. But I'm not. So this is a situation that I have no idea how to deal with. It took her an entire year to talk to her gymnastic instructors. Eeek!
I'm hoping she'll outgrow it. In the meantime, I keep her around as many people as I can all the time. :)
It is a learning process....every single day. I love hearing my kids are wonderful when they are at a friends house, school, in public, it means I am doing something right. I just wish that would transfer to home behavior, but then again they have to let loose some where and it might as well be at home.
OMGosh.......a friend of mine and I were just talking about this.......We've decided that we pretty much don't like most other peoples kids! (no offence, people!).......Why can't other peoples kids be as perfect as ours, right? :):)
Love your blog, by the way.......I'm reading thru your posts and I can relate to everything you write about.........
I feel the same way! lol
I mean why pretend. these kids weren't taught to be um courteous...say hello..something. Please.
It's a tough job to be a parent and dood. you just gotta suck it up and let the kid know who is teaching who...well.
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