Parenting Tips Even Non-Parents Will Love

Many of you aren't parents yet. Quite a few of you have small children and are just starting down this parenting road. A whole lot of you have older kids and some are done raising their children. A few don't plan to ever be parents.

It doesn't really matter which of those categories you fall into, today is still your lucky day. Today, I am going to share with you some of my best parenting advice. Use it. Share it. Wisdom of this importance was meant to be spread around. Like manure.What makes me able to share parenting wisdom with the world? First, as of today, not a single one of my four kids has been arrested. Secondly, the number of broken bones caused by fighting between them can still be counted on two hands. Third, none of them has bludgeoned me in my sleep. Obviously, I can hold myself up to be better than most other parents. And I do. All the time.Without further ado, let's get started on my tips. Today we'll focus on those first few years.

Once you have a baby, let go of your preconceived bias against No-Doze as well as tranquilizers.
I highly recommend the No-Doze for the parents and the tranquilizers for the baby. It's really incomprehensible to me that our species is set up so that the adults, who are fully responsible for the very survival of the baby, appear to need much more sleep and at much different hours than the baby. It's a little known fact but scientists are now convinced that the very thing that did the dinosaurs in was their lack of properly medicating the species when the young were born. Do not let this happen to you.
Don't even attempt to potty train your child. Ever.
Just bide your time and one day Junior will come home from kindergarten and tell you he is fairly certain that none of the other kids are wearing diapers and he thinks he might just start using the toilet too. You will have skipped over that part where you spend countless hours watching for that tell-tell facial expression on your child that means you have to pick him up, wherever you are, and race into the nearest restroom where you may spend the better part of the next 30 minutes trying to peek into the toilet bowl to see what has happened. Plus, he'll be taller and might even be able to reach the toilet bowl a few times instead of just going all over the bathroom floor.Speaking of diapers, you should wear one too anytime you go out in public.
This is a wonderful tip and you'll thank me for this one. If you wear a diaper anytime you leave the house with the child, you'll never have to go into a public restroom and wonder what you're going to do with your toddler while you take care of what needs to be done. You'll never get that dread trying to figure out how you can keep her from touching absolutely any surface while you're both crammed into that stall that is the size of a dollhouse bathroom and oh my gosh, did she just drop her sucker and stick it back into her mouth? That has to mean she'll die of diphtheria or some other unknown disease, doesn't it?
Diapers will stop all that nonsense.
Anytime you get the idea to feed your baby some healthy, organic, natural, nutritious diet, slap yourself instead.
Here's one I learned the hard way. Oh sure, nutrition is all well and fine but do you really want a house full of people who wouldn't eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese if it was the last food on earth? Trust me - this is not a healthy situation either. Feed them processed food, and a lot of it, at an early age. That way when you're really pressed for time, you can peel that plastic off a slice of American cheese, serve a side dish of ketchup and a glass of Kool-aid and call it a day. None of this nonsense of needing to find fresh fruits and vegetables. Your kids can always beef up on their nutrition when they age and move out on their own. You want them to have a goal.
The minute you see those positive marks on the home pregnancy test, sign up for direct deposit in Disney's account.
This will save you much time and effort in the future. The Disney empire is going to figure out some way to get the bulk of your income for the next 10-12 years anyway. Just give in and go ahead and start those monthly deposits. There's no need to fight this one.
And finally, go ahead and admit to the new grandparents that you don't know what you are doing, they always know what they are doing, and every bad thing that will happen in your child's life will be a direct result of your ineptitude and inability to follow those same grandparents' advice. This, much like the Disney money grab, will be the inevitable outcome anyway. Just cut the chase and save yourself some time.There you have it. All the parenting advice you'll ever need to make it through those first few years. No need to thank me. I'm a parent. I'm not accustomed to thanks anyway.

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